Here we go again

He texted me while I was home on lunch yesterday. “I’m sorry this is all so unfair to you. I really wish it were different.” I replied that as long as he doesn’t want to die every day, I’m fine. He says, “But that’s the problem. I want to die. I won’t event ell the truth to the doc, either.” The next text said, “I’m lying when I say that I’m stable. You should never trust me.” Then, “Know that I’m sorry. No words can ever make up for the lies I’ve told, but you should know that my heart breaks for the things I’ve done to you. When I splat, I’ll be thinking of you.”

I drove out there immediately. He wouldn’t tell me where he was. After 48 minutes, his phone died and I found the police in the ER and asked them for help.

Here’s what he said to me during the phone call and after seeing him at the ER.

That he’d been planning this for a month.

That he’d stopped taking his medicine 5 days ago…and lied to my face about it.

That he tells his doctors that he is afraid of the morbid OCD thoughts, but he actually likes them. He wants to hurt people. He wants to hurt me. He mouthed, “I will fucking kill you” to me in the ER. He wished he’d slit my throat last night because that would have made dying today a lot easier.

That he hates me.

That every day when he wakes up, he wishes he’d died in his sleep. He has nothing to look forward to except cold, dark death.

That I’m cruel to let him go on suffering like this. His life is misery. That if I loved him, I would let him die instead of forcing him to keep living.

That the only goal he has been able to hold on to and motivate him to keep living is finding a woman. Nothing else has worked, even music which he wanted to work most of all.

That I should never trust him.

I don’t even know what to do. Why can’t I help him? WHY DOESN’T HE WANT HELP?????????????