trying to keep my head up

It’s a bad month. However, I’m feeling more in control of myself than I was on Tuesday, so that’s good. This passage from the Tao is giving me peace today.

The Master does his job
and then stops.
He understands that the universe
is forever out of control,
and that trying to dominate events
goes against the current of the Tao.
Because he believes in himself,
he doesn’t try to convince others.
Because he is content with himself,
he doesn’t need others’ approval.
Because he accepts himself,
the whole world accepts him.

stability

sometimes I feel like the thing I hate the most is my lack of (perceived) stability at times. when Matt was alive, even when he was in the hospital or not doing well, I still felt basically stable and grounded and assured of his love for me. I knew that as long as he was alive, he’d be with me.

now though, not only do I realize that I am never really assured of stability, but I also don’t have anyone in my life who is committed to loving me as much as Matt did. there are two sides of that coin; on the one hand, it means that I could pretty much pick up and go anywhere – I have no real roots in Nashville anymore except Katie. on the other hand, this makes me feel like I’m drowning sometimes. or like I’m drifting in the ocean, and am affected by everything that causes a current near my life. I have never been good at accepting and embracing instability.

sometimes I feel like withdrawing from everyone except my closest and dearest friends, and spending more time in the woods. I’m going to try to at least spend time in the woods this weekend. I know the woods – they are my friends. they have always been there for me, and always make me feel better, and I feel at home in them. in the woods, I almost feel more whole than I do when I’m at home.

I’m starting to feel like I’m blogging too much.

The only reason I don’t want to blog too often is because I suspect that my entries are less interesting – mostly because I’m writing to write, rather than writing to communicate a precise idea (or whatever).

But whatever. No one’s forcing anyone to read this, so oh well.

Last night I was able to work on some piecing (this is the prototype so far). Tried doing the knight after I was mostly successful with the bishop, but the pieces are soo small.

bishop

Anyway, so last night was awesome because I got to sit at home sewing and watching Dexter. Saw the last episode last night, finally. I cried. But was satisfied.

Oh, I also spent part of the evening listening to the Ken Ham/Bill Nye debate, which was less infuriating than I had expected it to be. I felt like both men were professional and kept away from logical fallacies like stupid ad hominem arguments. I also felt like they both said exactly what I would have expected them to say, and my opinion on both sides of the argument remains unchanged – as I imagine is true for most people. Nevertheless, it was interesting to me just because the creationist issue has been a big one for me in the past, and because Bill Nye and Ken Ham were both pretty much household names for me growing up.

I miss face-to-face conversations about this stuff. I miss Matt. Fuck. I really do. He had such a brain.

Sometimes I feel like I need better outlets for things, like bouncing thoughts and ideas off of people.

Decided on something!

I’ve decided to tackle the quilt I’ve been planning to make using Matt’s clothes. And I’m getting excited about it! I wish he was here so that I could consult him, but I’ll have to make do with internet commentary.

So my basic plan is to put a chess board in the center of the quilt, and put a scene from a famous chess game on it. I’m thinking that I’m going to do the last game of the world championship match in 1927 between Alekhine and Capablanca. The internets seem to indicate that Capablanca played a fatal move (#26 Qxb7) – so I thought this might be a good scene to recreate. I chose these guys because they are some of the Grand Masters I remember Matt mentioning most frequently.

Then, with the pieces that have already been removed from gameplay, I’ll probably applique them to the margins of the quilt (remember, chess board is in the center). Man it’s going to look so good. I’m excited – I’d much rather be home right now cutting fabric (than at work).

But it’s OK, because I don’t have much planned for this week so I should have plenty of time to cut and plan and sew. Since I finished my map quilt (which was last spring) I haven’t really had a steady project. It’s about time that I start a new one. Geez.

Anyway, I felt like I should let you all know since I bitch so much about not being motivated to work on any projects. Somehow I forgot that I love to quilt. Huh.

randoms

I want to go shopping. But I’m not going to. It’s just my brain wanting the excitement of immediate gratification, and since that’s the Worst Reason Ever to go shopping, it’s not going to happen. I can tell that it would make me feel better though. Which is bothersome.

Stupid brain.

I have nothing planned for this week so far – clean slate. Unfortunately, the weather report is looking pretty grey and rainy so I’ll probably be spending another week inside.

Started reading Bridgett Jones’s Diary again on a whim. I need something more substantial to read though, too. What should I read next?? I’d like to get into the Foundation series….again………….but um…..

The neck on my guitar needs to be adjusted, I think. I can’t even play it right now. This is a sad thing. I should get it fixed.

Finished doing my taxes last week! Ha! That’s always gratifying.

I really need a new big project. But like what? Why do I have such a hard time motivating myself to do shit sometimes? Does this happen to other people too, or is it just me? I wonder if I’m doing something wrong. All this free time I have because of my lack of dependents…I should really utilize it better than I do. Hm.

So this is basically what is my brain is looking like now. Oh, and I’m almost embarrassed to admit this, but all the stuff about Woody Allen is making me really want to watch Annie Hall (which I would probably do if I actually owned the movie).

A list for Tuesday

Things that I am working on:
– Being the kind of person I respect and admire
– Playing Skyrim less (it’s working)
– Drawing and painting more
– Losing weight, and being stronger
– Eating breakfast every day
– Respecting myself, and respecting other people

Things that I need to be working on:
– Owning more socks
– Grocery shopping on the regular
– Planning the trip to the UK
– Cleaning my garage
– Going to the woods to read poetry
– Throwing more dinner parties

Somehow, it appears to be the last week of January.

And here I am again, at work, where I will sit at a desk and answer the phone for another 8 hours. I don’t mind working 8 hours/day at all – actually, life without a job tends to lend boredom and depression and apathy to my life, so hell, I’ll take the job. But. I do miss all the sunlight. Yesterday was so fucking beautiful, and today is sunny also; just makes me want to be outside in it.

But instead…I’ll remember that I’m glad that I have a job!

I had a pretty great weekend, all things considered. Had a good time on Friday hanging out with a (I hope) new friend. On Saturday, I went to give blood with an old friend, but they wouldn’t let me because – come to find out – I had a 99.9 fever! I felt just fine, though, so after we were finished we got some drinks and brunch. I’m assuming the drinks killed the fever as it was down to 97.6 when I got back home. Oh well.

On Sunday I got up and took a nice long, leisurely walk around the neighborhood (right after I woke up – so it was still cold and quiet). Came back home, took a bath in my sunny bathroom, then went to Michael’s for some paper and charcoals. Went back home and decided to blare music and draw – which lasted until mid-afternoon when I went to hang out with Ryan.

So it was a productive and social weekend, and oddly enough I’m not feeling over-socialized at the moment. That said, I would be perfectly content to stay in tonight.

I’m toying with the idea of opening an Etsy shop to do commissioned graphite or charcoal portraits. Or hell, I could add watercolor in there too, but those would take muuuuch longer. I do need to practice some though, so yesterday I re-established the fact that I am much better at drawing portraits of people whom I actually know as opposed to people whom I’ve never met. (grumble) Ah well – I just need more practice. Don’t think I’ve drawn an actual portrait since Matt. So almost a year ago, geez.

And this picture might be next on the drawing board (haha), actually. Janet posed this on FB yesterday. Just wanted to share.

sarah n janet

Beginning-of-the-week update

Man I really wish I could tell who reads this!! (Mom, Anna Laura, Katie, Nathan – I have four regular readers that I know of.)

Anyway, that’s not really important, I guess.

So I spent a good chunk of this weekend cleaning my house, because I remembered that being productive is one of the things that makes me feel good. And – surprise – I’m feeling better this Monday than last Monday! I have some things I need to take care of this week which are going to help keep the productive trend going. And my house is clean anyway, so that by itself makes me happy.

Today, though, is one of those days that makes me feel like I’m wasting away my life working in an office. I went home for lunch – and barely enjoyed my 1 hour of sunshine just because I kept thinking about how much I would love to be working for a landscaping company this afternoon. It’s sunny and clear, and probably in the 50’s. Pretty much the most gorgeous winter day that I can imagine.

So in cleaning the house this weekend, I happened upon an old journal from fall/winter 2011 – which is when Matt started the Vanderbilt job and also started seeing a therapist. I was struck with how much I had forgotten about that time. It wasn’t a very good time in either of our lives; I wrote about how much Matt ignored me, how I felt like his incidental roommate who did everything around the house for him, how I didn’t feel cared for at all, etc. A friend was just saying that it’s so easy to idealize the dead…and it certainly is. It’s much more pleasant for me to remember being happy with Matt, than for me to remember how his depression sunk both of us. It’s probably important for me to remember both sides, though…probably…?

Anyway. I’m hopeful that it will be a good week. And that’s about all that I have to say at the moment.