Beginning-of-the-week update

Man I really wish I could tell who reads this!! (Mom, Anna Laura, Katie, Nathan – I have four regular readers that I know of.)

Anyway, that’s not really important, I guess.

So I spent a good chunk of this weekend cleaning my house, because I remembered that being productive is one of the things that makes me feel good. And – surprise – I’m feeling better this Monday than last Monday! I have some things I need to take care of this week which are going to help keep the productive trend going. And my house is clean anyway, so that by itself makes me happy.

Today, though, is one of those days that makes me feel like I’m wasting away my life working in an office. I went home for lunch – and barely enjoyed my 1 hour of sunshine just because I kept thinking about how much I would love to be working for a landscaping company this afternoon. It’s sunny and clear, and probably in the 50’s. Pretty much the most gorgeous winter day that I can imagine.

So in cleaning the house this weekend, I happened upon an old journal from fall/winter 2011 – which is when Matt started the Vanderbilt job and also started seeing a therapist. I was struck with how much I had forgotten about that time. It wasn’t a very good time in either of our lives; I wrote about how much Matt ignored me, how I felt like his incidental roommate who did everything around the house for him, how I didn’t feel cared for at all, etc. A friend was just saying that it’s so easy to idealize the dead…and it certainly is. It’s much more pleasant for me to remember being happy with Matt, than for me to remember how his depression sunk both of us. It’s probably important for me to remember both sides, though…probably…?

Anyway. I’m hopeful that it will be a good week. And that’s about all that I have to say at the moment.

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I'm a young, childless widow who is trying to figure out the best way to deal with the world in light of my late husband's suicide. It's harder than I ever imagined it would be, but somehow at the same time I am still alive and even happy sometimes.

7 thoughts on “Beginning-of-the-week update”

  1. Peter Gibbons of Office Space found joy, or at least peace, in becoming a fireman. I’m not sure how well that matches up with reality, though. Mises wrote, “On his hurried way to the office the bookkeeper envies the patrolman who, he thinks, is paid for leisurely strolling around his beat. But the patrolman envies the bookkeeper who, sitting on a comfortable chair in a well-heated room, makes money by some scribbling which cannot seriously be called labor.” Sometimes the grass isn’t greener on the landscaping side, as much as he tries to keep it that way.


  2. Remembering the good and the bad is definitely a beneficial thing…as far as all that perspective stuff anyways. Aren’t journals wonderful things? Also, it was an amazing day! I bet landscapers are jealous of office workers in the middle of summer though… I do wish we could shut down all business’ between 12 and 3 each day for lunch and a nap though.


  3. Hi Erin, I regularly read your blog….believe it or not, your writings have helped me deal with Matt’s death so much! You have a gift and someday I wouldn’t be surprised if you used these writings to help others who are experiencing the same type of loss. Keep writing!


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