Man I really wish I could tell who reads this!! (Mom, Anna Laura, Katie, Nathan – I have four regular readers that I know of.)
Anyway, that’s not really important, I guess.
So I spent a good chunk of this weekend cleaning my house, because I remembered that being productive is one of the things that makes me feel good. And – surprise – I’m feeling better this Monday than last Monday! I have some things I need to take care of this week which are going to help keep the productive trend going. And my house is clean anyway, so that by itself makes me happy.
Today, though, is one of those days that makes me feel like I’m wasting away my life working in an office. I went home for lunch – and barely enjoyed my 1 hour of sunshine just because I kept thinking about how much I would love to be working for a landscaping company this afternoon. It’s sunny and clear, and probably in the 50’s. Pretty much the most gorgeous winter day that I can imagine.
So in cleaning the house this weekend, I happened upon an old journal from fall/winter 2011 – which is when Matt started the Vanderbilt job and also started seeing a therapist. I was struck with how much I had forgotten about that time. It wasn’t a very good time in either of our lives; I wrote about how much Matt ignored me, how I felt like his incidental roommate who did everything around the house for him, how I didn’t feel cared for at all, etc. A friend was just saying that it’s so easy to idealize the dead…and it certainly is. It’s much more pleasant for me to remember being happy with Matt, than for me to remember how his depression sunk both of us. It’s probably important for me to remember both sides, though…probably…?
Anyway. I’m hopeful that it will be a good week. And that’s about all that I have to say at the moment.