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Another Monday morning, hooray…..

You know, sometimes I feel free and glamorous and on top of things. Other times I feel like a big fat blob who might as well just live on the couch and become an actual hermit. This morning is kind of a mix of those, which is fairly typical for a Monday morning. Each Monday, I swear, I dread facing another week without Matt. Sometimes I feel like I talk about him too much. He isn’t always on my mind….just usually, especially if I’m alone. I donated some money to a fundraising drive for a suicide prevention hotline – the same one that Matt had thought about working for a few years ago. I don’t know what happened…but I guess I kind of do. Not much point in rehashing it all the time, but I can’t really help it.

It was a decent weekend. I need to make an effort to be more productive though, even if I don’t necessarily NEED to be. I just feel better about myself when I can get shit done, even if it’s stuff like cleaning out my car and washing the dishes.

This is one of those mornings where I want someone to just take care of me. I know I’ve complained about it, but I get tired of being strong. **sigh**

Maybe I’ll write something more cheerful later…..

The worst are the mental pictures that just pop into my mind sometimes. That evening last year when Matt missed the bus and I went to pick him up at the Corner Bar on Elliston. I can just see him sitting there, slumped, blue shirt, curly hair, face that I would give ANYthing to kiss again.

I don’t have much hope of not crying at work this week, especially with mental images like this one. I don’t want to remember what he looked like – all it does it make my jaw hurt from holding back the sobs.

I can’t think of any words that would communicate how I feel, really. Maybe tragically hopeful. But there are more modifiers in there too, like “despairingly” and “hopelessly” and all that. This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me, hands down, and because I am completely unable to “fix” anything, it just makes me feel hopeless and desperate because my hands are tied. On the other hand, I’m going to keep going, keep searching for the good in life. But it’s SO FUCKING HARD some times. Because even 6 months in, all I want is Matt. I just want to kiss his face, make him chicken pie, go grocery shopping with him, spend every single free minute that I have with him. But I still can’t do any of that.

I know, these blog entries all tend to sound the same. Sorry. I still miss my Love with my whole heart and body and mind though, so my brain sounds redundant most of the time anyway.

Haven’t been blogging this week, I know. It’s been a fairly uneventful week. Last week I was super social, and this week I haven’t been. It comes and goes, of course.

Not looking forward to next week.

Yesterday was a bad day.

But today has been better so far. Work has been pretty busy because several people are out, and I much prefer the work day to go by quickly. I went to Whole Foods on my lunch break because I hate driving in Green Hills and just wanted to get it out of the way. I got some chicken breast and ground beef which I’m going to take home, package in individual portions, and stick in the freezer. I’m doing some more grocery shopping after work today but just try to buy local/ethical meat.

But I haven’t been eating well lately and I’m getting really tired of never having any food in the house. Last night, I had pretzels and hummus for dinner, and then some clementines and chocolate. Because that was basically all I had. I’m going to at least get some sandwich stuff and frozen veggies just for more options. I’ll probably also get some yeast and bake some bread in the next day or so. I skipped breakfast this morning (slept in a little too late) but ate lunch instead, and feel markedly better post-sandwich.

Anyway. Just an update.

I’m going to post tomorrow about the 17 week/4 month update. Tomorrow is 4 months to the day, and I’m feeling pretty uninspired today – at least as far as writing goes. So far it’s been a pretty decent week, which is very welcome. But I’ll write more tomorrow.

But why do people post pictures of their feet on Facebook?! So what if the beach background is beautiful? I believe that you’re there – I just don’t want to see your ugly feet too!

Anyway. Needed to vent.

I don’t get it.  It’s not like Obama is trying to take away guns.  He just wants there to be mandatory background checks for all potential gun owners, so that people (like Matt) aren’t able to buy guns.  I don’t understand why anyone is against this?!  Do YOU want mentally ill people running around with guns? 

I have to go back to work tomorrow, and start “getting on with” my life. I know I have to – there’s no use denying it. I can’t pay bills otherwise. But…it’s almost like…as much as your spouse is your better half – so to speak – it feels wrong to go on without Matt. I know I have to, because he’s never coming back, but it’s still to wrong.

But I can’t do anything about it except just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I guess that’s good for me.

(Edit – I wrote the above last night but never posted it. I’m at work now and it’s been so depressing. I keep wanting to text Matt to tell him everything. I feel so empty and unmotivated to do anything but sleep, basically. Obviously I’m at work and not asleep, but that’s just because I need to be able to pay bills.)

It’s so-called “Black Friday,” which I have never liked and only participated in once (and that was to get a $20 season of the Simpsons at Best Buy).  I’m at work though, and might do some online browsing to see if I can find a good price on a Blu-Ray player.  Or I might wait until Monday.  We’ll see.

Yesterday ended up being a nice day.  We successfully cleaned the house and went grocery shopping on Wednesday evening, and I made the pie as well.  Then Thursday morning we lounged around in bed for a while, then went to Waffle House for breakfast, then came back home and started peeling potatoes.  Prepped the mashed potatoes and the sweet potato casserole and stuck them in the fridge for later.  Started dressing the turkey around 12:30 or so, and had that in the oven by 1:00-ish.  This year I followed the roasting and gravy instructions much more closely than I did this summer and things turned out for the better because of that (imagine!).  I took the neck and giblets and made a stock with them while the turkey was roasting. 

While I was doing all this cooking, Matt and Bitey spent a good portion of the afternoon asleep.  I took several pictures, but am refraining from posting more than one….

(Aren’t they cute?!  🙂 )  While I was sitting around trying not to make too much noise, and waiting for the turkey to cook, here’s one of the living room….

Anyway.  So it was a pleasant afternoon, full of good smells and naps and football once Matt woke up.

The food all turned out well – I was (and am) so pleased!  The turkey ended up being so juicy; when I was carving up the rest after dinner to put it away, there was still juice coming out.  The gravy turned out perfectly, and the stuffing – which was from a box – wasn’t bad at all.  The sweet potato casserole was delicious as always, and the mashed potatoes and green beans and rolls were as well.  The rolls were from Aldi too, but they were still good.  Bought cranberry relish in a can too – mmmmmm.  Obviously I took some pictures of the tablescape….

So pretty!!!  I feel accomplished.  🙂 

And the pie turned out perfectly as well.

 

So all-in-all, it was a pleasant and successful Thanksgiving.  I did miss my family a few times throughout the day, and I wish we could have been in Oak Ridge, but oh well – next year I’m hopeful that we’ll be more financially (and otherwise) stable.  I did have several things that made me feel closer to the family though, besides all the traditional foods.  I used Grandma’s plates for dinner (and her dining room table which has known many Reeve Thanksgivings at East Drive), plus the carving set and the blue sugar and cream dishes also came from East Drive.  I made Aunt Carol’s sweet potato casserole and Grandma’s Magic Chocolate pie, and wish I’d had time/energy to make one of Mom’s bread recipes. 

Now I suppose I can start thinking about Christmas…………….

It’s the day before Thanksgiving, and I’m stuck at work being SUPER bored.  AP&T has normal hours today and Friday (though I hear rumors that the owner lets everyone leave early on Friday…) but is closed tomorrow, of course.  I know lots of people have today off, so I expect it’ll be pretty slow all day.  I’m working on a map quilt currently, and have been embroidering pretty much every day at work for about a week.  I started unpacking everything this morning and realized that I left my damned NEEDLE at home!!  Kinda hard to embroider without a needle.  So I can’t do that until after lunch, provided I remember to get my needle when I’m home.

I do have some books here which I could be reading, but I’d so much rather be crafting.

This year has been trying, and we’ve been living on only my paycheck for about a month now.  Matt did get paid today which is awesome (AWESOME), but we don’t feel like we have enough extra cash to travel to Knoxville for Thanksgiving this year.  Our plan B was to spend the holiday with Matt’s family here, but turns out they’re getting together an hour outside of town and Matt has to work early on Friday, so that’s not going to work either.  (His family is so disorganized…it makes me want to pull out my hair somtimes.) 

SO, we decided to do Thanksgiving at home for ourselves.  And I’m actually not disappointed.  I expect it will be a relaxing day – I want to go to Waffle House for breakfast (semi-traditional) and then stay home cooking and being with my husband the rest of the day.  I think it will be nice.  It will also mark 5 years that we’ve been a couple, which is kinda special too.  🙂

I bought a small turkey the other day which is thawing in the fridge, and I’m making gravy, stuffing, sweet potato casserole, mashed potatoes, green beans, rolls, and Grandma’s Magic Chocolate pie for dessert.  Since I’m the only one doing the cooking, I’m taking some shortcuts — I’m going to buy the stuffing mix, premade pie crust dough, and probably rolls.  The rest of everything is getting made from scratch, though.  😀  I love Thanksgiving food!!  And this year we’ll have leftovers!! 

Matt’s doing better, guys.  I’m not supposed to blog about him, per Matt, so this is all I’ll say.  But I’m feeling like things are MUCH MORE STABLE right now.  And I’m hopeful that they’ll stay that way – at least for a while.  But no details.  🙂

(Doesn’t he look happy?  That’s Bitey on his shoulder, of course.)

While I’m at it and being bored, here are some other pretty fall pictures from a day hike to Hidden Lakes.

And here’s one of Bitey, because I like taking pictures of him.  I was re-covering this lamp shade and he decided to jump in, which was super funny because he could barely fit himself between the spokes on the top.