Category: this is my life

Cambridge, Day Two (so far)

Just thought I’d put up a few pictures from today so far. We slept kinda late and missed the free breakfast, so walked down to a little pastry/sandwich shop where I got a fresh mozzarella sandwich and Katie got eggs florentine. I took a picture of her plate because the eggs were just perfectly, beautifully poached.

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Two comments on the restaurants around here. One: most of them don’t seem to have drip coffee. When I order coffee, I get americanos. So far the only exception I’ve noticed is Starbucks, but they even gave me a weird look when I asked for drip coffee. Had to clarify by saying ” black coffee” and pointing to the urns behind the counter. Two: people don’t seem to drink as much water. You have to ask for a glass of tap water – otherwise you get nothing. I’m so used to places in the US just bringing you water before you even order.

So anyway, after breakfast we walked around a bit more. It’s a GORGEOUS spring day – the trees are in bloom, daffodils are everywhere, the sky is blue, and the grass is oh so green.

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Cambridge!

Goodness Cambridge is adorable. We thought about going to Oxford, but were told that Cambridge is nicer (and Anna Laura said it was anticlimactic, as I recall).

This morning, we checked out of our London hotel and took the train to Cambridge. Here, we’re staying in a cute little hotel right above a pub, which is extremely convenient. After checking in, we walked around a bit but we both have very sore feet so a couple hours later, we’re back in our room. Even though there’s not a ton to say, I thought I’d put up some pictures anyway. Sorry I’m not in any of these, Mom….. I feel super tourist-y, pulling out my phone all the time to take pictures. I can get over that though.

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A note about that last one – it is definitely a picture of a guy playing his guitar inside of a trash can. I was claustrophobic just looking at him.
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Second day in London

Oh I love free wifi. I don’t guess it’s actually free if it’s from the hotel we’re staying in (the Grosvenor, if you wondered), but nevertheless.

So we’ve been in London two days now. We got into town yesterday around 7am, and dropped off our luggage at the hotel. We then walked down to Buckingham Palace where we did not see any royalty or changing of guards. It was somewhat surreal still, just because it’s a famous courtyard. We then walked down to the Thames, over to the Eye of London which we didn’t have much interest in riding, and walked back past Big Ben and parliament. Got back to the hotel, took a nap, and then went out for drinks and dinner. And then went back to bed. Heh.

The were two highlights today. First we went to Baker Street where we did not tour the museum (the line was long, and c’mon guys, he wasn’t a real person), but we did go into the gift shop were I spent like £35. Which is a lot more than $35. But it’s all good. 🙂 Katie took my picture under the 221B sign, so that was nice too.

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So we walked through Regent Park and ended up at the British Museum. Which was amazing. Omg it was amazing. Saw the actual Rosetta Stone. And that bust of Alexander. There was a piece of a column from the Temple of Artemis at Ephesus, and also a whole room of reliefs and statues from the Mausoleum at Halicarnassus. ALL ORIGINALS. And there was so, so much more. It was …just an amazing piece of humanity’s story that I hadn’t been expecting to encounter. Museums that house largely reproductions can still be interesting, but there’s just something really special about being able to see originals. It makes you feel insignificant, and part of a bigger story. Pretty great. IMO.

The subway system here is called the Underground (or the Tube) and is super easy to navigate. I was so relieved after I realized it was so simple. The only bad part are the people! Most of them are in such a huge, terrible rush to get somewhere. I realize that most big cities are probably this way, and that Nashville doesn’t provide a very good example of urban life like London does. But geez. I seriously feel like I’m in someone’s way at least 50% of the time.

Ok, enough of this for now. Tomorrow we are headed to Cambridge – just booked a hotel room for one night. Still trying to decide where to go after Cambridge though…..

Continue reading Second day in London

Lousy Smarch Weather

I guess it isn’t Smarch yet. But I hate coming up with titles.

I’ve started a new entry every morning so far this week, but keep deleting them because I realize half-way through the first paragraph that I don’t actually have anything to say. I’m giving it another shot this Wednesday morning, though.

Last weekend was simply wonderful. On Friday, I got a massage. Saturday I got up and went to Hidden Lakes – it was a GORGEOUS day for it. I think I’ve mentioned, but solo hiking is the best thing ever.

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After, I ended up hanging out with Ryan. Oh, also spent a good chunk of time cleaning up the house on Saturday. Sunday was spent mostly luxuriating in the sunshine. It was a lovely weekend.

I think the time change and the sun coming out has made me feel moody the last couple of days, though. The weather change is energizing and exciting, and it makes me remember what it used to feel like to be able to look forward to going home to Matt and hanging out with him all evening. Lovely weather is infinitely more lovely when you’re able to share it with someone you love, and the fact that Matt is gone is hitting home (again). I wish I could stop thinking about him. On the other hand, I wish I never had to stop thinking about him. It’s conflicting.

I was telling someone about Woodland’s (amazing Indian restaurant) and almost started to cry when I remembered how often we used to go there. I haven’t been after giving blood in such a long time. God damn I miss Matt.

Learning to pretend there’s more than love that matters.

I almost feel like I should maybe apologize for being too honest — but isn’t that what I’m going for here?

Last night I dreamt that Matt said he wouldn’t sleep with me because I was too ugly. When I asked for clarification (too ugly meaning too fat? or just too ugly in general?) he wouldn’t elaborate. Weird that I don’t really remember the context here — but it had something to do with us being separated for a while; he said this once we were back together. But seriously, brain, wtf? Why do you think I want to wake up with this on my mind, huh?

So to fight off feeling too ugly for sex, I showered and dried my hair and am EVEN wearing makeup today. Also I’m out of clean clothes so I’m wearing the dress I got for Anna Laura and Marshall’s wedding, which is mid-thigh length and making me feel slightly immodest (not the desired effect – just what happens when I have no clean clothes).

That’s what I get for not doing laundry, though.

Along with reminding myself that Matt thought I was pretty, I also was thinking about a line from an Indigo Girls song this morning — “Learn to pretend there’s more than love that matters” (from “Love Will Come To You” which was my mantra before meeting Matt). You know how everyone always says that as a single person, you should be focused on YOU and YOUR LIFE rather than being focused on finding a SO? And that if you can make your life into something you love without needing another person around, then when you do find someone else they will just enhance your current life rather than defining it (or whatever the other alternatives to “enhance” would be). I’ve always subscribed to this philosophy, but in the back of my mind I wonder if it’s actually true.

And I say that just because in the 5 years that I was with Matt, my life was just so many worlds better than it was before. It wasn’t doing things that made me happy — it was just being with Matt. Which sounds so weird, coming from such an introvert (who is almost happier by myself than with most people).

But I get nervous sometimes — what if I never find that level of happiness again? It’s safer to take the “bettering yourself instead of looking for love” path, since you have much more control over the outcome. But that’s really second best, isn’t it? I’m not sure if I’m depressed about this or not, though; there is plenty of happiness and contentment to be had by myself. And it IS true that “bettering myself” (I hate that term) will make me feel better in general and increase my self confidence (etc).

Well anyway. These are all the thoughts I had on the subject I guess.

Milestones

I can now say with conviction that this day last year was worlds worse than today this year will be. Of course, there’s always the possibility that something worse than my husband dying could happen to me today, but it’s very very unlikely.

I’m back at work this Monday morning, and feeling kind of normal and blah. The weekend was very good, which was a surprise to me (given which weekend it was). I took Friday off, and spent all day with Katie and Ryan. We hiked Hidden Lakes in the morning, then got breakfast/lunch at Wendell Smith’s, then migrated to the Brewhouse and McKay’s after. It was a good day. On Sunday, I got up and hiked by myself at Beaman Park. It was wonderful. I’ve decided that solo hiking is one of the best things in the world.

The weekend was as full of distractions as I wanted it to be, but I also had plenty of time to think and reflect. I have no profound insights to offer from those times though – ha. Instead of my own insights, I thought I’d just share these two quotes.

I put this one on FB on Friday, but it’s just EXACTLY how this last year has felt. Actually, I’ll tack on a few extra lines, too.

Every day
I play in repertory the same
script without you, without love,
without audience except for Gus,
who waits attentive
for cues: a walk, a biscuit,
bedtime. The year of days
without you and your body swept by
as quick as an afternoon;
but each afternoon took a year.
(from “Letter After A Year” by Donald Hall)

While I’m at it, here’s another thing I keep meaning to share (but couldn’t remember where I’d read it until recently).

“The book also says that coping with difficult times is like being in a conical shell-shaped spiral and there is a point at each turn that is very painful and difficult. That is your particular problem or sore spot. When you are at the narrow, pointy end of the spiral you come back to that situation very often as the rotations are quite small. As you go around, you will go through the troubled time less and less frequently but still you must come back to it, so you shouldn’t feel when it happens that you are back to square one.” (From Bridget Jones’s Diary heh.)

Let’s see here.

I’m in a weird mood, so we’ll see how this blog entry goes. (Weird mood = somewhere between contentious, lazy, and bloated [as feel have gained 10 pounds in the last 36 hours])

First of all, I had a great weekend, which was surprising but very welcome. Friday, which was Valentine’s Day, was great. I did have a “date” thing I guess, whatever, but also my boss got married that day which helped my mood incredibly. This boss has two kids and was divorced, and married a guy who has three kids and is divorced. And she is the sweetest person in the world — and was just so, so happy on Friday (I saw pictures). Just seeing their happiness made me feel better.

Saturday was productive — I cleaned the house which was long overdue, and then hung out with Katie that night. Yesterday I pretty much stayed home except for a trip to Target for necessities (e.g. cat food and litter) and to Aldi for groceries. Made some peanut butter cookies which are probably the reason I feel like I gained 10 pounds since Saturday night. Ugh.

I’m brainstorming things to do on Friday. I’m taking the day off, and Katie and Ryan are also off, so I’m planning on spending all day with them pretty much. Going to do a day hike and then go to Wendell Smith’s for breakfast. Past that, I’m still planning.

So Anna Laura made a comment that made me want to say something. I feel like people are kind of nervous or afraid to talk to me about Matt and all the surrounding events. Maybe they’re afraid of being triggers or something – I’m not sure. But… let me put it this way. For Matt to suddenly disappear from my life last February was horrible, but for him to also disappear from conversation and everything else just makes it that much worse. Does that make sense? He’s gone, and I can’t help that. But it makes his absence even more poignant and worse when people are afraid to talk about him. So PLEASE don’t EVER hesitate to bring him up around me, or to ask me questions, or to make comments. I miss him so much, and for people to avoid talking about him makes the missing worse, not better.

I kind of want to put that on FB, but that would be too much attention. So anyway, there you have it, and tell your friends. I’m not afraid of my past and I’m not afraid of integrating it into my present and future.

stability

sometimes I feel like the thing I hate the most is my lack of (perceived) stability at times. when Matt was alive, even when he was in the hospital or not doing well, I still felt basically stable and grounded and assured of his love for me. I knew that as long as he was alive, he’d be with me.

now though, not only do I realize that I am never really assured of stability, but I also don’t have anyone in my life who is committed to loving me as much as Matt did. there are two sides of that coin; on the one hand, it means that I could pretty much pick up and go anywhere – I have no real roots in Nashville anymore except Katie. on the other hand, this makes me feel like I’m drowning sometimes. or like I’m drifting in the ocean, and am affected by everything that causes a current near my life. I have never been good at accepting and embracing instability.

sometimes I feel like withdrawing from everyone except my closest and dearest friends, and spending more time in the woods. I’m going to try to at least spend time in the woods this weekend. I know the woods – they are my friends. they have always been there for me, and always make me feel better, and I feel at home in them. in the woods, I almost feel more whole than I do when I’m at home.

A list for Tuesday

Things that I am working on:
– Being the kind of person I respect and admire
– Playing Skyrim less (it’s working)
– Drawing and painting more
– Losing weight, and being stronger
– Eating breakfast every day
– Respecting myself, and respecting other people

Things that I need to be working on:
– Owning more socks
– Grocery shopping on the regular
– Planning the trip to the UK
– Cleaning my garage
– Going to the woods to read poetry
– Throwing more dinner parties

Somehow, it appears to be the last week of January.

And here I am again, at work, where I will sit at a desk and answer the phone for another 8 hours. I don’t mind working 8 hours/day at all – actually, life without a job tends to lend boredom and depression and apathy to my life, so hell, I’ll take the job. But. I do miss all the sunlight. Yesterday was so fucking beautiful, and today is sunny also; just makes me want to be outside in it.

But instead…I’ll remember that I’m glad that I have a job!

I had a pretty great weekend, all things considered. Had a good time on Friday hanging out with a (I hope) new friend. On Saturday, I went to give blood with an old friend, but they wouldn’t let me because – come to find out – I had a 99.9 fever! I felt just fine, though, so after we were finished we got some drinks and brunch. I’m assuming the drinks killed the fever as it was down to 97.6 when I got back home. Oh well.

On Sunday I got up and took a nice long, leisurely walk around the neighborhood (right after I woke up – so it was still cold and quiet). Came back home, took a bath in my sunny bathroom, then went to Michael’s for some paper and charcoals. Went back home and decided to blare music and draw – which lasted until mid-afternoon when I went to hang out with Ryan.

So it was a productive and social weekend, and oddly enough I’m not feeling over-socialized at the moment. That said, I would be perfectly content to stay in tonight.

I’m toying with the idea of opening an Etsy shop to do commissioned graphite or charcoal portraits. Or hell, I could add watercolor in there too, but those would take muuuuch longer. I do need to practice some though, so yesterday I re-established the fact that I am much better at drawing portraits of people whom I actually know as opposed to people whom I’ve never met. (grumble) Ah well – I just need more practice. Don’t think I’ve drawn an actual portrait since Matt. So almost a year ago, geez.

And this picture might be next on the drawing board (haha), actually. Janet posed this on FB yesterday. Just wanted to share.

sarah n janet