Author: erinreeve

and it’s been 4 months now

I don’t have a ton to say. Like I said yesterday, it’s been a pretty decent week and I’m actually looking forward to the weekend. It’s saddenning on the one hand, and heartening on the other, to see how resilient people can be. As much as I didn’t think I would ever look forward to another weekend again – and I didn’t WANT to since Matt wouldn’t be around…I decided that I wanted to stay alive and try to enjoy life, and that’s what’s happening. As enormously as I still miss Matt, he’s just never coming back and I’m being able to find comfort and love through other avenues. It’s so damned bittersweet.

The Spurs lost game 7 last night, which is just as well. I didn’t care that much either way, but it was going to hurt just a little if they had won the championship. I remember how upset Matt was last year when they lost in the playoffs, which he was able to watch in the psych hospital.

Come to think of it, this time last year he still had about a week left before they discharged him – the 26th or 27th? Seems like I should remember that. I hope I never have to go into the Vandy psych hospital again.

I’ve done a pretty decent job of juggling alone time with social time this week, and it’s felt pretty good. I’m glad that I’m not in the same place I was the last time I was single though – I feel like I’m a much, much better person these days…or at least more grounded and sure of myself. There’s something liberating about realizing, as the Tao says, that caring about other people’s opinions make you their prisoner. Doesn’t mean that I can snap and stop caring, but nevertheless I see the truth in it. Life is too short to willingly imprison yourself.

17

I’m going to post tomorrow about the 17 week/4 month update. Tomorrow is 4 months to the day, and I’m feeling pretty uninspired today – at least as far as writing goes. So far it’s been a pretty decent week, which is very welcome. But I’ll write more tomorrow.

The one where I complain about doing stuff

I have a whole list of stuff I have to get done on my lunch break.
– Going home to grab a load of dirty towels (as my washing machine is broken)
– Going to Bill and Helen’s going wash the towels
– Have to run by the post office for stamps
– Want to run by the yarn store for…yarn
– Have to make myself a doctor’s appointment
– At SOME point I need to call Vanderbilt because I mistakenly paid the same bill twice but have not received any credit or anything….
– Also need to call the SSA to see if Matt has any Social Security Bucks coming my way.

After work, I have to pick up a prescription, and then help Ryan move something but I’ll probably be free after that.

In an ideal world, I would get up in time to put on makeup every morning. Over lunch, I’d have leftovers from the night before. After work, I would come home and exercise, then shower, then either hang out with friends or chill by myself at home (and if I chose the latter, I’d cook dinner too). Why am I so bad at making all of these things happen on the same day?

Actually, in an IDEAL world, I would be naturally skinny and beautiful and healthy, and would be able to spend as much time as I wanted in bed doing whatever I felt like. I would be paid to sit around and crochet or sew or cook or garden all day. I would make such a great housewife (as long as I didn’t have to be responsible for any children, that is; if I was in such a position then I don’t think I would be nearly as perfect a housewife as otherwise).

BUT! It’s good to get stuff done, and it’s also good to be able to pay bills and not ruin my credit.

So I’m done complaining.

sixteen

Sixteen weeks, but four months a week from tomorrow.

I feel like my brain is taking a vacation. I’ve come to the conclusion that a big reason I’ve felt kind of despondent the last week or so is because I’ve been spending a lot more time by myself. So, I’ve been trying to make plans to hang out with people so that I don’t HAVE to spend so much time alone. But it’s so hard, being as introverted as I am – I just want to be in the same room with people I love without having to actually talk to them unless I have something interesting to say. I feel like I can’t keep up with being entertaining and sociable, but the alternative is to be alone! I really never have lived completely on my own before – I’ve always had roommates and before them, siblings; this is a new experience for me. Finding the balance between spending time with friends and re-charging after being around people is tricky. And I’m no good at it at all yet.

Plus my period is starting (not even apologizing if that’s TMI) so my back hurts and I feel generally crampy and crabby. Meugh.

I think I’m going to get a hair cut tonight. Mine is getting WAY too long and I don’t like it.

This last week (or two) has been rough.

I have felt extremely lonely. People are getting on with their lives, as I am trying to do with mine (or at least I’m trying to figure out how to get on with it, while persuading myself that it’s a good idea and really my only option). I have been alone more in the last two weeks than I have been in the last 3.5 months, and I hate it. I know that I need to get used to it, but I still hate it. I hate that not only am I alone – a single unit – but also that I have to struggle to feel loved. I know that there is a fairly large group of people out there who love me, but it’s hard to feel it when I’m all alone.

I am full to overflowing of longing. This depth of emotion is not unexpected, but is conflicting and I just don’t know how to deal with it. I don’t know what to do with the longing that I have for Matt; the longing that I have for anyone to love me; the longing to feel like I’m doing anything worthwhile; the longing to be happy and at peace again.

I’m re-reading The Heart Is a Lonely Hunter and am a bit over half-way through. It’s such a good book, but it’s sad. So many people are lonely, just like I am. Why is it so hard for us to come together and help each other?

This rollercoaster ride of emotions is getting annoying. I think I’m getting dizzy. One week I’ll feel kinda happy and encouraged and hopeful and loved, and the next week I’ll feel depressed and abandoned and alone and discouraged. I don’t like being unstable. The worst part, of course, is that Matt isn’t here to help pull me out of my funk. I can’t imagine how much harder this would be for me if he had waited another 5 years to kill himself.

It’s so destabilizing to realize that I can do whatever I want – but I cannot make people change. I cannot guarantee my own safety from pain and hurt when I choose to trust people, no matter how trustworthy they seem to be. I don’t think this will keep me from choosing to trust people (because without love, what is there?), but it might be harder in the future. I don’t know.

Is it good for me to be complaining so much? Writing always helps me to understand better what’s happening in my head, but does it also help me to focus on negative things when I maybe shouldn’t be? I don’t know this either.

Ryan is planning on going to Texas here in a few weeks to work with Bill. He’s not sure how long he’ll be gone, but it’ll be a few months at the least. This is probably going to be good for me too because I won’t have Ryan to fall back on… I’ll have to actually work on developing new relationships and seeing old friends. I am not looking forward to this. Being around people who I don’t know very well tends to exhaust me (not always), and hanging out with Ryan has been so low-stress. But I need to stop expecting him to keep me company. I have to start finding other outlets.

I wish I could fast-forward to this time next year.

missing

I’m missing Matt so much. I can’t put it into words. Went to the Brewhouse with Ryan tonight (2-4-1 Sundays) and after dropping him off at his mom’s, I am full of the emotions that come from having it hammered home that Matt is not here anymore. Going out is all well and good, but no one is here to keep me company, or comfort me, or anything. It hurts SO BADLY when I know that all I need to make me feel better is Matt hugging me, kissing my cheek. Four months ago this need would have been met. Easily.

And there’s nothing to do now except cry. I’m not about to go pick up boys at bars because I’m lonely – I know that won’t help. Because I want Matt back. I want someone who is going to be in love with me regardless of ANYTHING. It’s so…so……soooo fucking lonely when you go from having this need met all the time every day (on demand basically), to not having it met at all.

Sometimes the thought occurs to me that life isn’t going to get better. I remember all the effort I put into dating before meeting Matt, and how lucky I felt that I had FINALLY found someone amazing who was in love me (and I was in love with him). He was THE person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with – not the rest of HIS life like it turned out. And Matt was so much better than anyone I had ever dated. I know I won’t ever meet anyone like him again (which is one reason I love Ryan so much).

I just don’t know what to do sometimes. I don’t know how to cope. I’ve always tended to understate my situation, so when I tell myself that my husband killed himself less than 4 months ago, it sounds outrageous sometimes. So … instead of over-thinking the situation, I just DO. I don’t know what to do, so I do whatever comes most naturally – missing Matt all the time obviously, but being distracted from the pain. I don’t understand how he could have left me. He could have gotten a disability check for his depression, and he wouldn’t have had to go to work every day. I suspect that being too sick to go to work would have been worse for him though, probably.

Oh God, it hurts so badly.

2012

Anyone want to read a blog entry from this day last year? I won’t post these often, but this was a very poignant entry.

Day 6
I feel like I’m in the middle of a battle for …my life, basically. And I’m completely unable to do anything about the outcome.

CAN’T SOMEBODY HELP?!?!?! PLEASE!!!!!!!? WE NEED HELP.

I’m so discouraged.

He says that he’s tried so hard all his life to make things better. He’s tried everything they tell you to do – make friends, stay active, eat right, think positive – all that. But nothing helps, he said. Something in his brain is missing. He’s not capable of getting better, he said. He’s weak and stupid, he said.

Can’t somebody help? What am I supposed to do?? I try to tell him that I think he’s strong and smart and capable of getting better, but he throws it in my face.

Please. Somebody help.

Boring Friday morning…..

I’m blogging because I’m bored, so be forewarned. I’m a little over a quarter into my shift, and it’s going slowly this morning. Also, I’m afraid that I’ll fall asleep if I start reading (did not quite go to bed on time last night – busy watching the Vicar of Dubley…).

That meeting yesterday, by the way, ended up being more of a meet-and-greet, which was perfect because we only had to stay for 30 minutes. I got a free margarita and was able to talk to some United Way representatives and learn a little more about the organization. I hope to be able to put in some volunteer time with them in the future – though they don’t have constant opportunities.

After that, I hung out with Ryan some at Bill and Helen’s, and after dozing off on the couch decided to go home to my comfortable bed. 🙂 It was a decent day, I suppose. I felt pretty, and that’s always very nice. Today I’m feeling more sloppy as I didn’t get up in time to take a shower (because I’m a lazy bum), but I’m going to take care of that when I go home for lunch.

So I got a new cake stand yesterday. Did I mention it already? Here’s a picture.
cake stand
I’m DYING to baking something that I can put on the cake stand. I don’t even necessarily want to eat whatever I bake – I just want to display it with a glass dome. 🙂 Maybe I’ll do that later when I get off. It’s more likely that I’ll do it tomorrow though.

BTW, it’s afternoon now. Once I started complaining about what a slow morning I was having, things picked up. I got back from my lunch break about 15 minutes ago though. I think I’m going to dedicate myself to cleaning up once I get off work; this will include doing all the dirty laundry (including Ryan’s, and including towels), cleaning out the litter boxes, cleaning the kitchen up and maybe trying to re-arrange and declutter, and cleaning up the library which already looks vastly better because I picked up all the clothes that were on the floor. Having a clean house makes me feel so much better about myself and life in general, I gotta say.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do this weekend. I think I’m hanging out with some friends tomorrow, and I’m doing something with Cathy on Sunday, but other than that I’m not sure. I keep saying that I want to get a hair cut and a pedicure, and I keep doing neither of those things. Or I might bake. Or plan some realistic meals and make a grocery list. Or lie in bed all day because I have an awesome bed and am loathe to leave it whenever I must. I can’t bake while I’m in bed though, so I’ll have to make some compromises.

Geez, sorry I’m being so rambly. I guess no one is forcing anyone to read this though.

I catch myself wishing that my life was more like a movie, which is a terrible wish but pops up in my conscious mind every now and then. Movies just make things more romantic and idealized and compelling. But I don’t really feel like going into this right now. So nevermind.

fifteen

It’s interesting to read entries from three, two, and even one months ago. It’s interesting because I have changed a lot in that period of time – which has felt like a year and not a mere 15 weeks. On the other hand, I still have the same issues sometimes. I still feel desperate and broken – just not constantly. I don’t even know what else to say about it (I feel like I’ve been gushing a bit much with the last several entries, anyway).

I’m going to a United Way meeting after work today. It’s an organization that helps in the community a lot – they focus on education, health, financial security, and that kind of stuff. I found out that they sponsor the Survivors of Suicide group that I’m going to next week, too. Someone at work sent out an email to see if anyone would be interested in going to this informational meeting tonight, and another coworker kind of persuaded me to go with her. She has a baby so we won’t be able to stay for the whole meeting (OK with me), but I’m interested in seeing what it’s all about. I’ve been toying with the idea of volunteering and being more involved in the community. So, so many people are much worse off than I am, and I also have a lot of free time lately.

Anyway.

I wonder where I’ll end up going in life. I have not been single without some kind of goal before – whether it be finishing school, or finding a boyfriend, I’ve just always had something to go towards. Right now I’m just trying to head towards healing, but thinking about the future isn’t quite as depressing as it used to be so I just wonder. Matt dying pretty much tore all of my long-term plans into pieces; there’s no way that I can buy property, build a house, and farm on my own. I don’t know. I guess I’m glad that I’m not very old yet (though I’ll be 30 here in a few months…).

I’ve been reading a lot lately. I read those two self-help grief books right after Matt died, and read a couple books of poetry cover-to-cover. I finished Childhood’s End last week, and finished Truth and Beauty a couple of days ago. I’m making good progress re-reading the Heart is a Lonely Hunter too, and I think I’m going to try to pick up Bridget Jones’s Diary the next time I’m a McKays.

I did not cook dinner last night (ended up hanging out with Ryan at his parents’ house, and had a delicious sandwich there…) – there’s not much food at my house right now anyway unless you could frozen soup and frozen poultry (a whole turkey AND a whole chicken). Though I’ve been craving sushi lately. Maybe I’ll have that for dinner tonight since that meeting will last until 7 or so anyway.

Sorry…I know this entry is kind of rambly and probably not too interesting. But oh well.