Author: erinreeve

standard entry, not very exciting

Obviously, I haven’t been writing enough lately. Sorry. This week has been another of those overly social ones, where I spend time with people every evening and then remember after a few days that the reason I feel dreadful is because I’m introverted and need a break. So that’s what I did last night. Stopped by Fat Mo’s after work for dinner, which I ate in bed while watching Grand Budapest Hotel. OMG it was such a good movie. After I finished that I wanted to stay in bed watching Wes Anderson movies for the rest of my life, so I put in the Darjeeling Limited. Also such a good movie. But after finishing that one I just went to sleep. Maybe more tonight.

Another consequence of being social during the week is that my lawn is, yet again, rather overgrown. Going to mow tonight, blah. Also going to clean my kitchen and bathroom, which always seem to be dirty somehow. (The magic of entropy!)

Lately I’m trying to curb my irresponsible spending habits which means not buying new clothes. I’m re-remembering that this is a not-any-fun habit to break. Even if I manage to avoid going to Target for a few months (thankfully, Publix sells everything I NEED from Target and nothing that I just want — e.g. clothes and shoes and DVDs and the like) — there’s always internet shopping. Plus I’m in a wedding here in a few weeks and have been shopping around for a dress, with no luck. Well….I shouldn’t say NO luck. I did find this really adorable sun dress that’s way too casual for a wedding (if you’re in it) and the wrong color anyway – but I went and bought it regardless. It’s SO adorable. Wish I was wearing it today! I think it’s too casual for work too though.

I’m going to see Elvis Costello at the Ryman tomorrow BTW. 😀

I think that I need to be reading more poetry.

I also am thinking about putting all of Joel’s stuff (which is currently scattered all over the floor of my library) into trash bags and stowing them in the closet so that I can actually use that room again. I mean hell, as long as he’s not renting it or anything, why not? I really miss that room!!!

Anyway. There’s your update. Back to work now. Good thing it’s Friday.

missing

Ugh. was re-organizing my wallet and found one of those pictures from our marriage party at the Brewhouse, October 2010. When I say “found,” I mean I’ve had it in the pocket meant for a driver’s license, so it’s not exactly hidden.

It continues to be so very annoying and disruptive to allow this kind of thing to affect me — especially in the middle of the day while I’m at work, which is where it generally happens. Perhaps because I’m less distracted at work? I don’t know.

If I felt like a broken record complaining about all of this last year, I really feel like one now. Which is part of why I haven’t blogged as much lately; I just don’t really have anything new to say.

Also,

May 31st was the 2 year anniversary of my having to take Matt to the ER for the first time. I was going to blog about it, but ended up staying busy all day and it slipped my mind. This is an entry from June 4th 2012, though.

*************************

My husband, the man who has been sharing my bed and home and life for the past five years, is in a psychiatric hospital after trying to kill himself four days ago.

I need an outlet for my thoughts and feelings – one that can handle more honesty than my in-laws or parents or friends can or should. Not that I necessarily want to even have to face all that honesty by myself, but I feel like I shouldn’t deny or ignore the realities of my thoughts and feelings.

I don’t feel like going over all the details of what happened on Thursday, and I don’t think all the details are important anyway.

I’m crying less. I guess that’s good, though it doesn’t mean that I feel any less sad, lonely, desperate, or depressed than before. It just means that sobbing so much gives me a headache and dehydrates me. And there’s no one around to rub my back and neck anymore when they hurt, so I might as well try to avoid things that make them ache more.

My biggest, biggest, biggest fear is that he’ll feel the same when he comes home, and try to kill himself again like he promised he would over and over on the day I drove him to the ER. I don’t think he’ll make his goal of 10 days since I doubt they’ll release him from the hospital before then, but I’m sure he can lengthen the deadline as needed. I’m afraid that I won’t be able to tell when he starts feeling this way again, since he’s so adept at pretending that he’s fine when he’s anything but. And I, in my utter foolishness, pretend that he actually is fine, since I don’t want to face the reality of the pain and horror that’s underneath his façade. But my oblivion doesn’t help anything. I keep telling myself that none of this is my fault………but a little voice in the back of my head also keeps whispering that maybe if I had been more dedicated to helping him stay focused on being healthy, maybe we wouldn’t be here right now.

I can’t imagine losing my husband. That’s a lie – I can imagine it, and it’s the most horrible thing I’ve ever imagined. So much worse than giving up my baby for adoption. At least she’s alive and happy and I can feel good about that decision. If I was to lose my husband…. How do people cope with that kind of loss??? I’m having a hard time motivating myself to do the mundane but necessary things in life as it is – how much worse would it be if I didn’t have the hope of getting my husband back???

Surprisingly, I’m doing a pretty good job of not taking his suicide attempt personally. I know that it’s the abuse that is making him hopelessly depressed, and the drugs his psychiatrist has been randomly prescribing haven’t helped. I know that it’s not me. But this also makes me feel helpless to help him at all. All I can do is go visit him every day, as much as he will let me, and let him know that I love him and will not abandon him (as he has expected me to do ever since we got together). I can prove him wrong. But I can’t make that help him feel better. I hope that it will…but I have no control over his brain chemistry.

I feel pretty useless overall right now. I don’t even know how to make myself feel better – let alone him. Everything that I do, everywhere that I go, something reminds me of him and makes my heart ache with missing him. I’ve been trying to avoid being home by myself, but I can’t get away from missing him.

Should I be blogging right now?

I’m having a weepy morning at work. I don’t feel like I’m good at this job yet — and I’m definitely not enjoying it. I should not be blogging right now; I should be calling people to try to get them to buy more stuff from me. I just don’t care about making money – I mean, as long as I have enough. I don’t care about making extra money. I would like it so much if I didn’t feel like my soul was being anesthetized every day at work by the muted colors and the fluorescent lights.

I have felt lacking in the friends department lately. I know that it’s my responsibility to make sure that I’m socially fulfilled, but it’s hard sometimes. Missing Matt is hard, too. Every time something isn’t ideal, I miss him. Every time I feel needy but don’t want to take that out on my friends, I miss him. Every time I don’t have something planned for after work on a weekday, I miss him.

Dawn posted a song on my FB wall a week ago or so, and the chorus says “It’s gonna be alright.” I was thinking about this yesterday… and you know, seems like serenity might come from being able to redefine “alright.” (Yeah yeah, I’m spelling it the way I want to spell it today.) When it comes down to it, we all die. Life on earth does not last forever. I can accept and be at peace with the knowledge that “alright” means that I’m going to die but my life can still be good. I just need to re-adjust my attitude about what “alright” entails.

Easier said that done.

Another list (I’m good at these)

So I’ve been in a rut for the last few weeks. I’ll come out for a day, then forget to do anything to make myself feel better the next day and get stuck again. Will my happiness/contentment/enjoyment stop being a conscious effort again at some point? That’d be nice.

– I need more friends. I was just thinking about how I used to be able to make a couple of calls and have a group of people meet me at the coffee house an hour later. That is definitely not how it is anymore.

– I need to work on financial responsibility (again, still). Money can buy temporary happiness (never the best quality happiness); however, lack of money will certainly bring you (ok, me) the opposite of happiness. I need to stick to a budget and ideally find some extra income somewhere. I can do things. I should try to market some of these things.

– I’ve been craving physical activity lately, which obviously is a good thing. I even wanted to work out on Sunday (so I did). Other than that, it’s pretty much been hiking. I’ve been going to Beaman Park and also doing Hidden Lakes (a good trail to do after work since it’s so short). Losing weight would definitely help me to feel better about myself (aside from the endorphin rushes from exercise).

– I really really really need to get off my ass about cleaning up the garage. I’m going to tackle that room this weekend. It’s hard to get around in there now – there’s so much stuff! Maybe I’ll do this on Friday. Same goes for cleaning my bedroom and doing my laundry (though it’d be nice to take care of those projects before Friday)….

– Speaking of Friday! I’m going to see the Indigo Girls play with the Nashville Symphony on that day! With Katie! And we’re both off all day! I’m excited.

– I’d almost like to go on a road trip this weekend, but I can’t think of anyone who’d want to go with me. If you want to, let me know. If I can’t do that, maybe I’ll see if anyone wants to do a day hike with me. Like, a longer-than-four-miles day hike. If that doesn’t work out, maybe I’ll just do the 4 miles one. Heh.

A Rant (or, Why I Want to Live in the Woods by Myself)

People always have to put in their two cents. Granted, this is my two cents, but I’m not forcing anyone to read it! I’m not arrogant enough to claim that MY opinion needs to stand out all the time — though, like everyone else, I think that I have a perfectly valid viewpoint. People have a tendency to react without thinking, without having actually processed and weighed what they are reacting against. They just want to be heard I guess, and it’s easier to spout their opinions instead of taking the time to analyze what they are disagreeing with.

On that note, I think that people fundamentally want and maybe even agree on the same things, but we grab onto differences to keep us from achieving those common goals; we all want to be safe, to have the same basic rights and opportunities. But we waste so much time squabbling over the details and not engaging that it becomes impossible to see the big picture.

Ok. Sorry, this from a stupid comment I read on reddit. There’s no one around to listen to my rant right now, so the blog gets it.

Quote

So I’m reading through an old journal (from 2003 or thereabouts) and I came across what was apparently my favorite quote from Atlas Shrugged, which I was reading at the time.

“She thought that if it were possible for her to stand looking at him […] she would wish to spend the rest of her life on this spot and in this manner. And in the next instance she knew that if her wish were granted, the contemplation would lose all meaning, because she would have betrayed all the things that gave it value.”

Update.

It’s been a bit since I blogged, I know. Sorry. Has a lot to do with the fact that I don’t have the free time at work that I used to, since I am now self-motivated and always have plenty of people who I could be calling at any given moment. But, writing is good for me, so. This will probably be brief, though.

I haven’t been the greatest lately. I think there are a few factors contributing to my mood of late; one would be the new job. I’ve been doing this for maybe a month now and I’m feeling much more comfortable making these phone calls (at least compared with several weeks ago). I don’t really like it much yet, though. And I can’t tell if I’m any good at it, either. I’m going to give it a few months just to see – but if I’m feeling like this by August or September I might see if I can move back. Selling can be gratifying, but it can also be stressful.

Anyway. Also, Joel has been staying with me the last week or two, and that’s been an adjustment. It’s so easy for me to get used to living alone, and it’s always a little strange when I have to re-adjust to having a roommate. Especially when he’s your brother. (Joel being around also serves as another reminder that Matt isn’t, which I feel should not affect me as strongly as it still sometimes does.)

I’ve also been pretty antisocial lately, which I need to start moderating better. Being antisocial is all well and good as long as I don’t neglect my social needs. Which I do sometimes.

This weekend was interesting. Liesl graduated on Saturday and I drove down to Cleveland TN for that, then to Knoxville for lunch with everyone. I decided to come back home after that because I was just not feeling up to staying another day; yesterday I got up at 9am and hiked the Ridgetop Trail at Beaman Park (4 miles), then came home and straightened the living room/kitchen a bit and ended up spending the afternoon playing Skyrim and baking bread. As far as Sundays go, it wasn’t bad.

I am really needing more fulfillment outside of work right now. And I’m just not quite sure where to look for that. Other people? New hobbies? Reading more?

questions, I guess

How is it that I can get off the phone after speaking with a promising account, and just want to crawl under my desk and cry after hanging up? I’m so cheerful and friendly on the phone, and the whole facade felt like it just crashed down after that last call.

Why is it so hard for me to feel stable all the time? Is it because I’m used to feeling stable, and I’m caught off-guard when my emotions don’t seem to want me to control them?

I want to be excited about something. Is it hard for me to get excited about things because I don’t like doing things? Or because I put too strict of a definition on things that “should” excite me? Or because I don’t go looking for excitement?

I want to spend more time in the woods. Wouldn’t it be awesome to spend as much time in the woods as I do in an office? Yep.

in my head too much this week

…and not getting enough out onto paper.

I have the urge today to pick up and move to a new city – clean slate. I’m not going to do this, though – at least, not right now. Instead, I’m going to do a small hike after work and hope that it “resets” something. I’m feeling pretty stagnated at the moment. Need some new endeavor or some such. Moving to a new city seems nice. Though moving to a different part of Nashville could also help.

I really need something in my life to work towards – besides work. Just feeling kind of weepy today for no good reason that I can find. Work is going ok; it’s not my Favorite Job Ever so far, but it’s fine. I just feel like I could burst out crying if I had the right mental image or memory of Matt. Probably a few other things could make me cry too. Again – no good reason that I can tell…..