Month: October 2013

33 weeks now

I don’t have much to say.

I’m having a fine week – what is becoming a “normal” week. Soon I probably won’t even use quotation marks.

I’ve been doing a good job of making dinner since I went grocery shopping last week – even if dinner has alternated between Mexican food and breakfast food. I’ve also cut waaaaaaay back on my trips to the Brewhouse – been going once a week, if that. this does mean that I have not been nearly as social, though, which hasn’t really been a huge problem lately. yes, I’m lonely. no, the cats don’t help that much (especially Lucille). I do enjoy being able to talk to people online though, whether the medium is emailing or chatting or blogging – it helps some.

I’m falling back in love with reading, I think. it’s definitely better than other things I could fall in love with.

this is all I really have to say at the moment. if anyone wants to hang out with me tonight, let me know.

Andy Griffith and Miscellaneous Musings

I really hate coming up with titles. I don’t try very hard at all….

Went to Knoxville this weekend for Andy Griffith Day, which was Saturday. It was a different AGD than usual – we were missing the 3 middle siblings and didn’t really do all that much that was Andy-related other than dinner and watching a few episodes. The t-shirts are pretty awesome though, and I had a good time. I spent the night at M&D’s (and the only other person who lives there now is Havah, which is pretty strange), then went to church the next morning, Panera for lunch, then back to Nashville. I got back into town mid-afternoon and finished sewing the strips of my duvet cover together, plus got some reading done. I still have to finish the edges of the duvet cover, and then sew buttons and button holes at the end.

Was reading the Tao yesterday and thought #30 is very interesting.

Whoever relies on the Tao in governing men
doesn’t try to force issues
or defeat enemies by force of arms.
For every force there is a counterforce.
Violence, even well intentioned,
always rebounds upon oneself.

The Master does his job
and then stops.
He understands that the universe
is forever out of control,
and that trying to dominate events
goes against the current of the Tao.
Because he believes in himself,
he doesn’t try to convince others.
Because he is content with himself,
he doesn’t need others’ approval.
Because he accepts himself,
the whole world accepts him.

I find the Tao so interesting….and a lot of it just makes so much sense to me. I don’t pretend to understand it all, of course, but nevertheless.

On a different topic, I splurged on a chair that I’ve wanted to have for approximately 2 years now. Katie was in town last week and helped me transport it. It looks SO GOOD in the library with all those books…….but guys, it kind of makes me lonely. I mean, dammit, so much does…but it makes me want to hang out in the library with Matt, reading books while he plays chess or the bass, or talking about the books we’ve read, or whatever. I miss him so much. I hate that I am learning to let go of him, because he’s still all that I want. It’s not easy for me to get that close to people, and Matt was my other half – talking to him was practically second nature. I miss it so much. This is why the Tao has been so great – because it knows that life is full of good and bad, and it tries to teach you how to handle both.

Anyway, here’s a picture of the chair. Isn’t it pretty?!

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32

I feel like I’ve blogged enough this week to not really need a weekly update. But I’m kinda bored at work at the moment, so why not.

My introvert is showing up more lately. This isn’t anything unusual, I suppose; I’m still trying to figure out how much social interaction is healthy, and how much alone time is unhealthy. It’s confusing.

But lately I just want to hang out at home and read my book. I’m SUPER close to being done with my motif blanket thing, and I’m also very close to being done with my duvet cover. The kitchen is still mostly clean (did more dishes yesterday at lunch, in fact), though the living room has fabric scraps and other miscellaneous trash all over the floor. At the moment, I am very much looking forward to going home and reading.

So.

This is something I’m still struggling with a lot. It’s not as bad as it used to be, but the only reason that I can tell is because I can see the problem with more clarity now. Basically……..it’s the problem of knowing that Matt is dead, and of proceeding with MY life in light of that fact. He’s never coming back. I will never meet anyone like him again, either. The idiosycracies and habits and thoughts and EVERYTHING about Matt that made me fall in love with him – I’ll never see that combined into one person ever again. Probably the closest I’ll ever get is either me, or Ryan, but neither of us make the cut.

I loved Matt so much. I still do, but I’m somehow supposed to transfer the love that it was while he was alive into a love that keeps him “alive” inside me now. I have no earthly idea how to do this, so I haven’t been thinking about it much. I’m just trusting that it will gradually happen, I guess, maybe without me even noticing.

It still baffles my mind to realize that I can devote all of my energy to one person, only to have them die. Die. Not live anymore. That energy that I gave Matt – I have no idea where it is now. I guess I still have all the energy that he gave me, but everything I gave him is gone. And I gave so much. Gone. And somehow I’m going to get used to this; at some point, Matt’s death will be a part of my past and I won’t have to consciously accept it.

For right now though, I’m still baffled and depressed by the fact that this life I am living now IS MY LIFE. The part that is missing is never coming back, so this is it. How can it be that the person I loved the most in the world could just…die? Disappear forever from my life? I wonder if subconsciously, some part of me is holding on, hoping beyond all rational thought that Matt will just show up again. I can’t pinpoint these thoughts, but I can see evidence of their hidden existence.

For my anniversary yesterday, I bought myself red roses at Costco, and two bottles of champagne (one for me and one for Ryan, who came over to hang out some). Ryan made me a necklace. I sewed some and read some. It was pretty uneventful. I wanted to assure the lady at the liquor store that I was not going to have a fun evening, despite my red roses and two bottles of champagne, but I didn’t.

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Today would be my third wedding anniversary

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also dancing

Our wedding anniversary wasn’t ever that big of a deal – to me anyway. Granted, we only celebrated two of them, but I can’t actually remember what we did last year. I suspect we either got sushi, or went to the Brewhouse, but I can’t remember. We had planned earlier in the year to celebrate at the Catbird Seat, but with hospital bills and such we didn’t have the money last year. This year was going to be better. This year we were going to make reservations.

October 1 2010. It was a very pretty day. We took our marriage license to the county clerk’s office, had to sign some papers and pay some money, and John Arriola himself married us. Then I think I texted a couple of people, and we went to Siam Cuisine for a celebratory lunch. I don’t even know what we did the rest of the day, other than go home and luxuriate in each other’s company.

Dawn sent me the nicest email this morning. Sure it made me cry, but what else is new. It’s so, so easy for me to have these thoughts – why did Matt manage to stay alive without me so long, but 5 years after meeting me he decided he couldn’t do it anymore? If I hadn’t ever met him, would he still be alive? He decided that he wanted to get therapy BECAUSE OF me. FOR me. He didn’t want to fuck up our marriage, and that’s why he decided to go back to therapy. So it’s plausible that he might still be alive now if we had never met. But Dawn wrote to me about how happy Matt had been with me. And other people have told me this too – as if I couldn’t see it myself (because sometimes I can’t). We were BOTH happier than we’d ever been in our lives.

And it’s all over now. The best that I can do now is try to salvage the horrible, horrible situation. Somehow I need to take all the love and happiness that Matt gave me, and use it to better myself and to help other people. I am such a selfish person though.

I have no idea how I’m going to “celebrate” today. I can’t come up with anything that I want to do (except be with Matt). I might just go home and sit on the floor and cry a while.

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