I really hate coming up with titles. I don’t try very hard at all….
Went to Knoxville this weekend for Andy Griffith Day, which was Saturday. It was a different AGD than usual – we were missing the 3 middle siblings and didn’t really do all that much that was Andy-related other than dinner and watching a few episodes. The t-shirts are pretty awesome though, and I had a good time. I spent the night at M&D’s (and the only other person who lives there now is Havah, which is pretty strange), then went to church the next morning, Panera for lunch, then back to Nashville. I got back into town mid-afternoon and finished sewing the strips of my duvet cover together, plus got some reading done. I still have to finish the edges of the duvet cover, and then sew buttons and button holes at the end.
Was reading the Tao yesterday and thought #30 is very interesting.
Whoever relies on the Tao in governing men
doesn’t try to force issues
or defeat enemies by force of arms.
For every force there is a counterforce.
Violence, even well intentioned,
always rebounds upon oneself.
The Master does his job
and then stops.
He understands that the universe
is forever out of control,
and that trying to dominate events
goes against the current of the Tao.
Because he believes in himself,
he doesn’t try to convince others.
Because he is content with himself,
he doesn’t need others’ approval.
Because he accepts himself,
the whole world accepts him.
I find the Tao so interesting….and a lot of it just makes so much sense to me. I don’t pretend to understand it all, of course, but nevertheless.
On a different topic, I splurged on a chair that I’ve wanted to have for approximately 2 years now. Katie was in town last week and helped me transport it. It looks SO GOOD in the library with all those books…….but guys, it kind of makes me lonely. I mean, dammit, so much does…but it makes me want to hang out in the library with Matt, reading books while he plays chess or the bass, or talking about the books we’ve read, or whatever. I miss him so much. I hate that I am learning to let go of him, because he’s still all that I want. It’s not easy for me to get that close to people, and Matt was my other half – talking to him was practically second nature. I miss it so much. This is why the Tao has been so great – because it knows that life is full of good and bad, and it tries to teach you how to handle both.
Anyway, here’s a picture of the chair. Isn’t it pretty?!
No Promises This Time 
It’s interesting how exceptional people and experiences can “raise the bar” of our expectations so that, when they are gone, what would otherwise have seemed normal now seems lacking. For example, suppose you went to the library five years ago, before you met Matt. Would you have felt so lonely by yourself? Or, having not had the experience of going with him, would you not have realized what you were missing?
The library hasn’t changed in five years, so if it feels differently now, then perhaps what changed were your expectations. Ironically, in a way wonderful people wreak havoc by causing the people they meet to raise their standards of what they want or what they’ll be satisfied with. Having enjoyed the exceptional can produce more sadness when it is over than if one had remained unaware that it existed or was possible.
The world has a lot of junk to sort through, but also many high-quality people and experiences, not quite the same as what you had, but special in their own way. There are a lot of interesting combinations out there, each unique, with much to explore. Of course, there are some information asymmetries to contend with, which make the process of seeking out the new a bit daunting. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Information_asymmetry
On the other hand, a severe gumption trap can certainly drain one of morale so completely as to incapacitate for some time. After a major setback, it can take awhile to get back in the groove. Sometimes, if it was important enough, after impressing upon anyone who would listen the depths of my dismay, I said “Heck with it, I’m moving forward anyway. I will rebuild. I would rather quit, because this is rather frustrating, but determination is in my blood.”
Then there were times when I said, “I would like to make progress, but my morale is so low, I just can’t motivate myself right now.” And then I would send a message to Matt about how life just didn’t seem worth the struggle. I seem to be mostly over that stuff now, although maybe it’s too early to reach any conclusions, given that I just re-entered society last Wednesday. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gumption_trap
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