This is something I’m still struggling with a lot. It’s not as bad as it used to be, but the only reason that I can tell is because I can see the problem with more clarity now. Basically……..it’s the problem of knowing that Matt is dead, and of proceeding with MY life in light of that fact. He’s never coming back. I will never meet anyone like him again, either. The idiosycracies and habits and thoughts and EVERYTHING about Matt that made me fall in love with him – I’ll never see that combined into one person ever again. Probably the closest I’ll ever get is either me, or Ryan, but neither of us make the cut.
I loved Matt so much. I still do, but I’m somehow supposed to transfer the love that it was while he was alive into a love that keeps him “alive” inside me now. I have no earthly idea how to do this, so I haven’t been thinking about it much. I’m just trusting that it will gradually happen, I guess, maybe without me even noticing.
It still baffles my mind to realize that I can devote all of my energy to one person, only to have them die. Die. Not live anymore. That energy that I gave Matt – I have no idea where it is now. I guess I still have all the energy that he gave me, but everything I gave him is gone. And I gave so much. Gone. And somehow I’m going to get used to this; at some point, Matt’s death will be a part of my past and I won’t have to consciously accept it.
For right now though, I’m still baffled and depressed by the fact that this life I am living now IS MY LIFE. The part that is missing is never coming back, so this is it. How can it be that the person I loved the most in the world could just…die? Disappear forever from my life? I wonder if subconsciously, some part of me is holding on, hoping beyond all rational thought that Matt will just show up again. I can’t pinpoint these thoughts, but I can see evidence of their hidden existence.
For my anniversary yesterday, I bought myself red roses at Costco, and two bottles of champagne (one for me and one for Ryan, who came over to hang out some). Ryan made me a necklace. I sewed some and read some. It was pretty uneventful. I wanted to assure the lady at the liquor store that I was not going to have a fun evening, despite my red roses and two bottles of champagne, but I didn’t.