my life, I guess

I don’t know. The more new people I meet, the more I want to retreat into a hole of safety where the only people I ever talk to are close friends or family. No new people.

Also, I don’t want to date. I thought I did, but as it turns out – I don’t. Fuck that shit. Thankfully I haven’t lost anything other than time on these guys I’ve met.

Basically – the happiest I have EVER been in my LIFE was those years with Matt. Every single year. And I would love to be that happy again! I never would have met Matt if I wasn’t actively looking for something, someone. But there’s so much drama and so many scumbags out there — I don’t even know if it’s worth it for me to look right now. I doubt it.

What should I be spending my time on instead? Obviously, I should be trying to better myself…working out, eating well, reading and studying. These things will make me feel better, even. This stuff is not a waste of time.

almost November

Had another good weekend (how nice). Saturday was very low-key, and the most productive thing I did all day was wash the dishes — though that does count for a lot. On Sunday I went shopping with Mar; we went to Michael’s, Southern Thrift, Goodwill, and Great Escape – then got lunch at ML Rose and went back to my house to hang out. The shopping was successful and fun; I got a bunch of Halloween stuff at Michael’s, and found a Stanley Kubrick box set at Great Escape for a really good price. Got a few other odds and ends too.

After Mar left, I started reorganizing the kitchen, and so far I’m pleased with the results. I took down the bar that my pots and pans had been hanging from – only because I was trying to de-clutter the room, and having the pots/pans in a cabinet frees up a lot of space above the oven. I was kinda sad, but it’s not like Matt slaved over getting that thing up, so I didn’t feel too bad. It’s my kitchen now anyway.

blog - kitchen

I’m partial to my cutting board display. I found a lid rack at Southern Thrift yesterday, and figured that I could probably use it to hold cutting boards instead – and it works great! Also, I organized one cabinet and it looks great. I doubt that it will ever look this good again. I’ll probably get to the other cabinets tonight…or tomorrow…or next week….

blog - cabinet

My kitchen table is a complete mess, but it shouldn’t be too hard to clean up. Mostly it’s covered with random dishes that I don’t use and need to throw out.

Organizing my kitchen, getting the newspaper, being productive – these things make me feel like a legitimate adult. Thinking about dating makes me feel like I want to be single the rest of my life. I tell myself that Matt and I didn’t click immediately, but…that’s only kind of true. Then I tell myself to shut up and stop thinking about it.

thirty-four plus a day

I was not feeling communicative yesterday, and barely wrote anything all day long.

Fridays are always better than Thursdays though, if only because it means that tomorrow is Saturday. At the moment, I’m feeling very motivated to clean and completely re-organize my kitchen. This motivation came from a Le Creuset coffee press I bought yesterday which is now one of the prettiest kitchen accessories that I own. I’ll take some before and after pictures. I don’t know that I’ll really be able to re-arrange any of the furniture, but I’m going to re-vamp my cabinets and walls at least.

Unfortunately, I still have several hours at work before I’ll be able to start on this. I’ve been looking at Pinterest for kitchen ideas, but mostly it’s making me feel like my house is completely inadequeate and my kitchen far, far too small. Which is BS, because my kitchen is actually kind of big (for one person, anyway).

It’s going to look great when I’m done, though. Maybe when I finish, I’ll start planning a dinner party…. I could technically do a Halloween-themed dinner. Hm. That might be a great idea, actually (and a good excuse to buy skulls and other creepy decorations that I can use year-round, heh heh).

I’m feeling oddly restless today. I want to go do things that don’t involve sitting in an office. I want to love people, and to be loved. I want to feel wind in my hair and rain on my face. I want to spend the rest of the day in a forest with some paper and a pen.

Why am I so restless?

weekend

This weekend ended up being much busier than usual – but it was all planned, and since I’ve basically been a hermit the last couple of weeks I didn’t mind the social exertion.

I gave blood on Saturday with my friend Nate. He was coerced into donating platelets instead of whole blood, so we were there for approximately 3 hours, and it was good to catch up. Went to get brunch after, and ended up at the Row which is just down the road from JJ’s Market on Lyle. It was delicious, and such a lovely afternoon. A random lady outside of the restaurant asked me if I was a tourist after I took the picture below…no, I just like butter.

blog - butter

After brunch, I went home and took a power nap, then met Katie for dinner in Franklin. After dinner we went to see Gravity which was good, but we both still felt stressed-out as we were leaving the movie theater. Maybe that was the goal; not sure.

Yesterday, I met Cathy for brunch at Sky Blue Cafe, which was absolutely adorable. After eating, we went to the Southern Festival of Books and checked out the booths; didn’t stay to see anyone speak this year though. Chuck Palahnuik was the most famous author present this year, but to be honest I haven’t actually read any of his books. I should probably get on that. Yesterday I ended up with two autographed books though – the Bible Salesman by Clyde Edgerton, and the Girls of Atomic City (heh, I could look up the author…). I really ought to know more about Oak Ridge.

I spent yesterday afternoon finishing my duvet cover, which is now on my bed. Isn’t it pretty?

blog - feathers

It was a good weekend overall. I’m not sure how this week will shape up, but we’ll see.

33 weeks now

I don’t have much to say.

I’m having a fine week – what is becoming a “normal” week. Soon I probably won’t even use quotation marks.

I’ve been doing a good job of making dinner since I went grocery shopping last week – even if dinner has alternated between Mexican food and breakfast food. I’ve also cut waaaaaaay back on my trips to the Brewhouse – been going once a week, if that. this does mean that I have not been nearly as social, though, which hasn’t really been a huge problem lately. yes, I’m lonely. no, the cats don’t help that much (especially Lucille). I do enjoy being able to talk to people online though, whether the medium is emailing or chatting or blogging – it helps some.

I’m falling back in love with reading, I think. it’s definitely better than other things I could fall in love with.

this is all I really have to say at the moment. if anyone wants to hang out with me tonight, let me know.

Andy Griffith and Miscellaneous Musings

I really hate coming up with titles. I don’t try very hard at all….

Went to Knoxville this weekend for Andy Griffith Day, which was Saturday. It was a different AGD than usual – we were missing the 3 middle siblings and didn’t really do all that much that was Andy-related other than dinner and watching a few episodes. The t-shirts are pretty awesome though, and I had a good time. I spent the night at M&D’s (and the only other person who lives there now is Havah, which is pretty strange), then went to church the next morning, Panera for lunch, then back to Nashville. I got back into town mid-afternoon and finished sewing the strips of my duvet cover together, plus got some reading done. I still have to finish the edges of the duvet cover, and then sew buttons and button holes at the end.

Was reading the Tao yesterday and thought #30 is very interesting.

Whoever relies on the Tao in governing men
doesn’t try to force issues
or defeat enemies by force of arms.
For every force there is a counterforce.
Violence, even well intentioned,
always rebounds upon oneself.

The Master does his job
and then stops.
He understands that the universe
is forever out of control,
and that trying to dominate events
goes against the current of the Tao.
Because he believes in himself,
he doesn’t try to convince others.
Because he is content with himself,
he doesn’t need others’ approval.
Because he accepts himself,
the whole world accepts him.

I find the Tao so interesting….and a lot of it just makes so much sense to me. I don’t pretend to understand it all, of course, but nevertheless.

On a different topic, I splurged on a chair that I’ve wanted to have for approximately 2 years now. Katie was in town last week and helped me transport it. It looks SO GOOD in the library with all those books…….but guys, it kind of makes me lonely. I mean, dammit, so much does…but it makes me want to hang out in the library with Matt, reading books while he plays chess or the bass, or talking about the books we’ve read, or whatever. I miss him so much. I hate that I am learning to let go of him, because he’s still all that I want. It’s not easy for me to get that close to people, and Matt was my other half – talking to him was practically second nature. I miss it so much. This is why the Tao has been so great – because it knows that life is full of good and bad, and it tries to teach you how to handle both.

Anyway, here’s a picture of the chair. Isn’t it pretty?!

blog - chair

32

I feel like I’ve blogged enough this week to not really need a weekly update. But I’m kinda bored at work at the moment, so why not.

My introvert is showing up more lately. This isn’t anything unusual, I suppose; I’m still trying to figure out how much social interaction is healthy, and how much alone time is unhealthy. It’s confusing.

But lately I just want to hang out at home and read my book. I’m SUPER close to being done with my motif blanket thing, and I’m also very close to being done with my duvet cover. The kitchen is still mostly clean (did more dishes yesterday at lunch, in fact), though the living room has fabric scraps and other miscellaneous trash all over the floor. At the moment, I am very much looking forward to going home and reading.

So.

This is something I’m still struggling with a lot. It’s not as bad as it used to be, but the only reason that I can tell is because I can see the problem with more clarity now. Basically……..it’s the problem of knowing that Matt is dead, and of proceeding with MY life in light of that fact. He’s never coming back. I will never meet anyone like him again, either. The idiosycracies and habits and thoughts and EVERYTHING about Matt that made me fall in love with him – I’ll never see that combined into one person ever again. Probably the closest I’ll ever get is either me, or Ryan, but neither of us make the cut.

I loved Matt so much. I still do, but I’m somehow supposed to transfer the love that it was while he was alive into a love that keeps him “alive” inside me now. I have no earthly idea how to do this, so I haven’t been thinking about it much. I’m just trusting that it will gradually happen, I guess, maybe without me even noticing.

It still baffles my mind to realize that I can devote all of my energy to one person, only to have them die. Die. Not live anymore. That energy that I gave Matt – I have no idea where it is now. I guess I still have all the energy that he gave me, but everything I gave him is gone. And I gave so much. Gone. And somehow I’m going to get used to this; at some point, Matt’s death will be a part of my past and I won’t have to consciously accept it.

For right now though, I’m still baffled and depressed by the fact that this life I am living now IS MY LIFE. The part that is missing is never coming back, so this is it. How can it be that the person I loved the most in the world could just…die? Disappear forever from my life? I wonder if subconsciously, some part of me is holding on, hoping beyond all rational thought that Matt will just show up again. I can’t pinpoint these thoughts, but I can see evidence of their hidden existence.

For my anniversary yesterday, I bought myself red roses at Costco, and two bottles of champagne (one for me and one for Ryan, who came over to hang out some). Ryan made me a necklace. I sewed some and read some. It was pretty uneventful. I wanted to assure the lady at the liquor store that I was not going to have a fun evening, despite my red roses and two bottles of champagne, but I didn’t.

blog - necklace