Category: Uncategorized

A Rant (or, Why I Want to Live in the Woods by Myself)

People always have to put in their two cents. Granted, this is my two cents, but I’m not forcing anyone to read it! I’m not arrogant enough to claim that MY opinion needs to stand out all the time — though, like everyone else, I think that I have a perfectly valid viewpoint. People have a tendency to react without thinking, without having actually processed and weighed what they are reacting against. They just want to be heard I guess, and it’s easier to spout their opinions instead of taking the time to analyze what they are disagreeing with.

On that note, I think that people fundamentally want and maybe even agree on the same things, but we grab onto differences to keep us from achieving those common goals; we all want to be safe, to have the same basic rights and opportunities. But we waste so much time squabbling over the details and not engaging that it becomes impossible to see the big picture.

Ok. Sorry, this from a stupid comment I read on reddit. There’s no one around to listen to my rant right now, so the blog gets it.

Quote

So I’m reading through an old journal (from 2003 or thereabouts) and I came across what was apparently my favorite quote from Atlas Shrugged, which I was reading at the time.

“She thought that if it were possible for her to stand looking at him […] she would wish to spend the rest of her life on this spot and in this manner. And in the next instance she knew that if her wish were granted, the contemplation would lose all meaning, because she would have betrayed all the things that gave it value.”

in my head too much this week

…and not getting enough out onto paper.

I have the urge today to pick up and move to a new city – clean slate. I’m not going to do this, though – at least, not right now. Instead, I’m going to do a small hike after work and hope that it “resets” something. I’m feeling pretty stagnated at the moment. Need some new endeavor or some such. Moving to a new city seems nice. Though moving to a different part of Nashville could also help.

I really need something in my life to work towards – besides work. Just feeling kind of weepy today for no good reason that I can find. Work is going ok; it’s not my Favorite Job Ever so far, but it’s fine. I just feel like I could burst out crying if I had the right mental image or memory of Matt. Probably a few other things could make me cry too. Again – no good reason that I can tell…..

I think this is what happened.

I had a few people over on Sunday for lunch — made ham, deviled eggs, mac and cheese, yeast rolls, green beans, etc. I didn’t go as “all out” as I sometimes do – it was very casual. But still, I hadn’t had any sort of brunch or dinner party since Matt died, and I kept thinking about how he wasn’t there. He wasn’t there to help, to play the games, to be my co-host.

UGH. Yesterday wasn’t great, but I was hoping I’d feel better by this morning. I don’t, but I could have done something about that last night. I could have exercised or cleaned my kitchen instead of watching TV and drawing.

It’s best for me to be able to ignore this while I’m at work, but ignoring it all the time isn’t so great. This is never going to “be better” though, is it?

Stuff and stuff.

– This is my first week doing sales stuff at work.
– I hate learning new jobs and feeling insecure because I don’t know what I’m doing or feel comfortable doing it.
– I do feel more comfortable than I did on Monday though, that’s for sure.
– Got my own direct phone line yesterday at work, heh.
– It’s good to have reason to remember that change is good for you, right? Especially when that reason involves bonuses based on how easily you can adapt to the new situation.
– Ryan is having to deal with some health issues. I’m not going to say anything else here except maybe reference to my above point about change being good for you.
– I have been missing Matt this week. It comes and goes. He got a notice from some pensioner’s fund associated with Vanderbilt, and the same day I got a reminder than the warranty on my car is expiring. Both pieces of mail mainly served to remind me that I’m alone.
– But I’m less alone than some people. I do have friends. Which is good.

I do not like the word “hump.”

Well guys. I am tired of pretending.

What this means is just that I don’t like having to think about what I say before I say it. Outside the context of work. I actually do like the fact that I can pretend to be a super cheerful happy customer service rep while I’m here. And really it isn’t that much of a stretch since I DO like being cheerful and happy. Pretending to be happy and cheerful can actually MAKE you those things, I know.

But still. It’s a lot of effort!! I do feel a tad guilty because I’ve been pretty antisocial lately. I got a little overwhelmed with people wanting to hang out last weekend which – as usual – meant that I did almost nothing with anyone.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s bad that it’s so easy for me to be a loner. Easy, and usually preferable. I mean, it worked great when I was married. As a single person though, it has come to mean that I just don’t see people during the week. Which….actually……..isn’t that bad. (I don’t think?)

In other news, I dyed my hair last night. It had been a loooooong time – I stopped because I got tired of driving to Green Hills for the henna dye. I sucked it up yesterday though, and got a several-month supply, so maybe I’ll let it grow out for real next time.

The quilt is not progressing as quickly as my new Skyrim character. Oh geez.

I’m starting to feel like I’m blogging too much.

The only reason I don’t want to blog too often is because I suspect that my entries are less interesting – mostly because I’m writing to write, rather than writing to communicate a precise idea (or whatever).

But whatever. No one’s forcing anyone to read this, so oh well.

Last night I was able to work on some piecing (this is the prototype so far). Tried doing the knight after I was mostly successful with the bishop, but the pieces are soo small.

bishop

Anyway, so last night was awesome because I got to sit at home sewing and watching Dexter. Saw the last episode last night, finally. I cried. But was satisfied.

Oh, I also spent part of the evening listening to the Ken Ham/Bill Nye debate, which was less infuriating than I had expected it to be. I felt like both men were professional and kept away from logical fallacies like stupid ad hominem arguments. I also felt like they both said exactly what I would have expected them to say, and my opinion on both sides of the argument remains unchanged – as I imagine is true for most people. Nevertheless, it was interesting to me just because the creationist issue has been a big one for me in the past, and because Bill Nye and Ken Ham were both pretty much household names for me growing up.

I miss face-to-face conversations about this stuff. I miss Matt. Fuck. I really do. He had such a brain.

Sometimes I feel like I need better outlets for things, like bouncing thoughts and ideas off of people.

Decided on something!

I’ve decided to tackle the quilt I’ve been planning to make using Matt’s clothes. And I’m getting excited about it! I wish he was here so that I could consult him, but I’ll have to make do with internet commentary.

So my basic plan is to put a chess board in the center of the quilt, and put a scene from a famous chess game on it. I’m thinking that I’m going to do the last game of the world championship match in 1927 between Alekhine and Capablanca. The internets seem to indicate that Capablanca played a fatal move (#26 Qxb7) – so I thought this might be a good scene to recreate. I chose these guys because they are some of the Grand Masters I remember Matt mentioning most frequently.

Then, with the pieces that have already been removed from gameplay, I’ll probably applique them to the margins of the quilt (remember, chess board is in the center). Man it’s going to look so good. I’m excited – I’d much rather be home right now cutting fabric (than at work).

But it’s OK, because I don’t have much planned for this week so I should have plenty of time to cut and plan and sew. Since I finished my map quilt (which was last spring) I haven’t really had a steady project. It’s about time that I start a new one. Geez.

Anyway, I felt like I should let you all know since I bitch so much about not being motivated to work on any projects. Somehow I forgot that I love to quilt. Huh.