Category: this is my life

A list

– Caffeine is more effective than it used to be; or anyway, my tolerance has gone way down.

– Thirty minute naps can make me feel so good.

– I’m buying all Christmas presents off of Amazon this year so that I don’t have to go Christmas shopping.

– Because I don’t like people very much (except all you guys, of course).

– I’m up to level 36 in Skyrim and am already planning out my next character.

– I found some really cute map sticky notes at World Market and they literally make me feel better when I use them.

– Annoyingly, I’m feeling energetic 30 minutes before I go home. This is annoying because I got about 5 hours of sleep last night and at least part of my brain wants me to sleep.

– I still have no fixed my washing machine. I’m the worst.

– The bad thing about buying Christmas presents on Amazon is that I’ve already bought myself two presents. Damn.

First monday in my 30’s

I don’t feel appreciably older though.

So we have officially begun Advent season, which – for me – means that I need to get my ass in gear and get some Christmas shopping done. I’m thinking about getting a Christmas tree tonight; if I do get one, it will be one of those mini trees. I don’t care enough to do a full sized tree this year.

Last week, as everyone reading this blog probably already knows, I took Wednesday – Friday off (was already off on Thursday for Thanksgiving). It was great – hadn’t taken any time off since Matt died because I only had 3 sick days left, so I’d been trying not to get sick so that I could use that time off for the holidays. So far so good – one sick day left, and I’m planning on using that one on the 26th. We’ll see. On Wednesday, I took my car to get the oil changed and brakes fixed; once I got home, I managed to get the house cleaned up which was awesome. I drove into Knoxville mid-day Thursday. The weather was perfect, and traffic was light. Thanksgiving was delicious as usual, and it was very nice to see all the family. Missed Carla (and Adam) and Joel, but the rest of my siblings were there – and I got to meet my cousin’s 4 month old for the first time too.

Friday was my birthday, and I spent the morning just hanging out at Mom and Dad’s. Aunt Peggy and Aunt Barbara took me out for coffee that afternoon (where I ended up running into two friends, one from Nashville, which was surprising). Almost everyone who I saw at Thanksgiving came over to M&D’s for burgers and birthday cake, and I actually got some birthday presents (heh).

Drove back to Nashville on Saturday morning, after Cracker Barrel breakfast with Mom, Dad, and Hav. I had some people over on Saturday night for birthday drinks, and I had a good time playing Cards Against Humanity and such. Took out the birthday chalice (see picture below) which went well with the dragon scale cover Ryan made for my vodka. Good times. I was (obviously) very excited about something or other here.

birthday chalice

Sunday was my day to recharge after all these social interactions, and I think I played Skyrim all day. Pretty sure that’s what happened. Heh.

And I don’t think I’ve cried all weekend, but a lot of that had to do with staying so busy. Thanksgiving was a very bittersweet day, but the rest of the weekend was better. This year…I tried to focus on being thankful for all the love in my life (there’s a lot), and for the 5 years that I was able to say that I was thankful for Matt.

9 months/39 weeks/weepy/expletives

I’m feeling kind of depressed this morning. Probably has a lot to do with the fact that I stayed up until midnight playing Skyrim, and woke up around 7:20 this morning. I grabbed the clothes that were easiest to get to, didn’t take a shower, and got McDonald’s for breakfast. The coffee helped, anyway. I didn’t get up in time for a walk this morning either (yesterday I got in 1.5 miles before work). Plus, it’s been 9 months today and also it’s been 39 weeks today. And Thanksgiving is in one week.

I always considered Thanksgiving to be our anniversary, because I remember lying in bed with Matt on Thanksgiving morning, 2007, and telling him for the first time that I loved him and that I had decided that I wanted to be his girlfriend. He never thought of Thanksgiving in the same way because he had already decided that he wanted to date me, but whatever. It was our anniversary in my mind, and next week would have marked 6 years together.

I’m liable to start crying at work if I keep thinking about this.

Some days…I just want to go home and stay there indefinitely. I want Matt back…and since I can never have him again, I want something else that will make me feel better, comfortable, at home. My house doesn’t make me feel loved or anything, but it’s better than being at the office.

I miss Matt so fucking much. Nine months…I guess I knew that it wouldn’t be a ton easier by this time, especially because of the holidays. After New Years, there’s a month to go before the one year mark. I have no clue how I’ll react to living that day again. I am such a broken record…saying the same things over and over, crying about the same things, doing the same things to make myself feel better. I feel stable some days. Other days I don’t give a flying fuck. I can’t believe that the love of my life left me. Abandoned me. Killed himself. Thought that he wasn’t worthy of my love, and thought that he couldn’t give me what I deserved.

I don’t know when I’ll be ready to start dating again. Because I still find myself comparing other men to Matt, which is natural, but I find myself not wanting to be interested in them if they lack certain qualities that Matt had. Which is SO DUMB. Other times, when I’m not feeling like this, I think I am ready to start caring about another person. But…I still am looking for the same connection that Matt and I had. When people say that they don’t believe in True Love or in marriage, I want to yell at them. I had a perfect marriage, until things started getting bad – but that was only going to make our marriage stronger, if Matt had been able to keep going. So, yeah, ultimately my marriage was not perfect. But…I guess all I’m saying is that it wasn’t my fault.

Fuck. Sometimes…I still just want to DO SOMETHING TO FIX THIS FUCKING SITUATION. But I still can’t. There is still absolutely nothing that I can do to change anything, except as I’m able to change and deal internally. I don’t know how to make it stop hurting so much though.

And now, for something completely different….

By which, I mean that I saw Spamalot twice this weekend, and this post is going to be exactly the same as most of my Monday posts.

So this weekend was amazingly pleasant (for the most part), but the most productive thing that I did was cleaning the house on Saturday. I did not tackle the garage, but everything else is clean. OK…so I keep the living room and library and dining room clean on a regular basis. The bathroom gets a little messy, but I bought a new shower curtain to (I hope) help motivate me to keep it looking nice. The BEDroom is the room that is usually messy though; I have a horrible tendency to throw my clothes on the floor or dresser or wherever, rather than actually putting them where they’re supposed to go. So yesterday I put away all my clothes, dusted everything, swept, and even bleached my linen duvet set THEN IRONED THEM.

So yeah, clean house makes me feel so good that I don’t ever really want to leave it. So, heh, I didn’t until I had to go to work this morning.

M&M came over Saturday evening and we hung out a bit, and then after they left I decided to hook up the xbox to see if I could get it to work. It was a whim. Mar has mentioned that playing video games is better for you than sitting around watching non-interactive TV (which I do sometimes…) so I figured that as long as I already own an xbox and at least one game, I might as well see if I can use it. I had never used an xbox controller before, and had to google “LT” and “RT” because I hadn’t even noticed that there were buttons down there…. But anyway, once I figured out how to use the controller (and cleaned the disc drive so that it would actually read the CD), playing Skyrim has turned out to be loads of fun. Who’d have thought?!

My plan for this evening is to go home and straighten up the kitchen, then play more Skyrim. It was kind of scary how quickly time passed while I was playing – and i wouldn’t even notice until like two or three hours later. Geez. Heh. There’s SOOOOoooo much for me to figure out…Ryan came over yesterday and started a new player, and had skills within like 10 minutes that I haven’t even figured out after 10 hours. There’s plenty of time…..

38

Huh. Next week will be 39 weeks, and exactly 9 months.

Sometimes, when I’m alone at home, I just stand there talking to Matt. What I’m really doing is talking to myself, and the topic usually turns to how unfair it is that I can never talk to Matt again. I miss his perspectives, insights, laughter, support, love. I miss letting down my guard and being able to be completely open with him. I miss being able to expect him to microwave me soup and run me a bath when I’m feeling sick. I miss talking to him, and being in the same room without talking.

Sometimes, it’s so hard to focus on the good things that are still part of my life. There are a TON of good things still in my life, and good things that are developing, and good things yet to come (I hope). I try to be positive, and a lot of the time it isn’t even that much of a struggle (but sometimes it is).

I enjoyed the holidays last year so, so much. Now that I know more of the context surrounding them (for Matt), I think Matt might have given me those last few months as a gift – so that I wouldn’t have to deal with widowhood in the midst of Christmas. It’s speculation, but plausible and maybe even likely. I’m not looking forward to the holidays this year though. My 30th birthday is in two weeks, and I don’t even give a damn.

Sometimes – a lot of the time – I have to force myself to keep caring, or at least to keep acting like I care. I suppose that I’ve had to do this several times throughout my life, but it’s been pretty consistent over the last 9 months.

I should stop waiting for something to happen. I should start making things happen.

Doll heads in autumn, and other random shit

I should really work on my titles.

I had a good weekend and feeling like telling someone without imposing on them – good ol’ blog. You people read this because you like me, right? And are at least mildly interested in how I spend my weekends?

On Saturday, I got up kind of early (8:30 or so). One of my coworkers is a seller on eBay and Etsy and even has a couple of booths. She and a few of her friends were cleaning out some of their stockpiles to make way for new inventory, so Mar and I went to her home in Fairview to peruse the selection. I came away with 2 old wooden window frames (sans the glass), a beautiful green stoneware pitcher, a mirror tray, a couple of pretty blue bottles, and BEST OF ALL a doll.

Let me tell you about the doll. I don’t normally bat an eye at them, but this one is SO COOL. It has spent the last several decades in a suitcase in some lady’s attic, and came out only after the lady died. She was something like 90 years old, and had this doll since her childhood. She was apparently married twice but didn’t have children from either marriage, and I would really love to hear why she held onto this doll for so long (but oh well). It’s a very large doll (think Big Baby size, if that means anything to you…Mom and L). The head doesn’t seem to have been attached to the body in a long time. The skin-colored coating on her head/arms/legs is peeling very badly and gone in some places, which gives in an extra level of creepy. The eyes are VERY creepy. Here’s a picture.

doll

I went to Michael’s yesterday hoping to find a bell jar, but all they had was this jar. I pulled out some of the stuffing from the body to rest the head on. It’s in the Library with my other creepy paraphernalia. Heh heh.

Anyway. After Fairview, I took Ryan and the kids to the Elves’ Faire (a fundraiser for a school, but it was enjoyable). After that, met Katie for drinks…and then went home.

Yesterday was also a good day. I forgot how much I adore autumn; the leaves and temperature and sunlight do me so much good. I got up and took a long walk yesterday morning, then after I got back home I started cleaning the house. I still need to actually wash dishes, but everything else is clean and lovely. My house is so pretty.

Unfortunately, I have to start working. But I’m very pleased with my level of productivity this weekend and my overall mood. This morning I woke up sad about Matt again (I assume I had dreamed about him but had forgotten by the time I woke up), but these morning walks have been proving to be very helpful. Even if I’m still sad after I get back, at least I feel productive and like I CAN DO STUFF. It’s the little things.

thirty-seven

Today has been busy. I have literally had to calm myself the last few times that the phone has rung because I feel like screaming into it. But I wouldn’t do that. I would kinda like some stress balls right now, though. Less than an hour to go and things have calmed down/I have caught up (thus the blogging at work).

I miss Matt.

Grief is such a strange, strange thing. Matt is not always in the back of my mind; sometimes I completely forget that I’m sad. Frequently though, I still see two different paths in my life – the one that I’m on now, and the one that I would have been on. I was better at being single in my 20’s, guys. These days I just want to go home after work most of the time. Not like anything much is going on there – it’s just comfortable and peaceful and I don’t have to exert myself talking to people.

I’ll start getting out more. The first step is getting more exercise, which I’ve been doing. I’m not sure what the second step is going to be, but I’ll probably know it when I see it. Honestly, this is more normal behavior for me anyway; the first few months after Matt died I was desperate for company and to be surrounded by people who love me. I guess it’s probably good that I’m getting back to my normal introverted self, right? I mean, as long as I don’t go overboard and become an obese hermit – right? I don’t foresee either of those things happening, so I’m think I’m OK.

So…a week into November, I’m remembering that I need to start thinking about Christmas presents, and I want to make it known that this year’s gifts aren’t going to be NEARLY as great as they usually are. I’m doing better but I’m still not happy-chipper-motivated all the time, especially when it comes to planning Christmas gifts. (*sigh*) I might even buy everyone’s gifts this year. Sorry in advance, but I’ll try to do better next year…..

Monday/Tuesday

Monday mornings aren’t consistently as bad as they used to be, so that’s a good thing. I have woken up dreaming about Matt the last two mornings in a row though, so that’s not as good. Yesterday was Sunday so waking up in a melancholy mood wasn’t that big of a deal. This morning though, I woke up much earlier than usual due to the time change, and had enough time to take a 1.5 mile walk and then a shower before work. That helped a lot.

The weekend ended up being very enjoyable. I hung out with Ryan on Friday night (we drove around blaring K’s Choice – it was awesome). Went to Hidden Lakes on Saturday morning; not only was that the first time I’d ever hiked out there without Matt, but it was also the first time I’d ever hiked by myself. I LOVED it. I might do Beaman Park next weekend.

**********I got tired of writing yesterday and saved the draft but forgot to come back to it…until now************

I never finished describing my weekend, so in brief: I hung out with Nate Saturday, then hung out with Mar on Sunday. Otherwise, I hung out with the cats. I’ve been listening to K’s Choice pretty exclusively for the last few days and am learning one of their songs. It’s in F which is a key that I hate, but I can’t figure out how to transpose the F/a into the key of G – plus it sounds better in F as long as I can play all the chords correctly.

Yesterday evening, I went home and watched the last episode of Breaking Bad. It was……….how I would have wished that it would end. That show is so good.

Tonight I’m probably going to watch V for Vendetta with the cats. They likely won’t pay much attention though.

I have to say – I have not minded the time change SO FAR. The last couple of days, I’ve been up early enough to take a walk before I have to get ready for work, and I think that has been improving my mood a lot (imagine that!). I’m not happy about it being so dark by 5:00 at night, but it happens every year so there’s not much use complaining about it.

36

I didn’t write last week on purpose. And I don’t have much to say this week either.

For as pitiful as I’ve felt over the last couple of weeks, I’m doing a great job of not collapsing into despair or anything. I like being melodramatic here. I hold myself to a certain standard of minimal bitching and no pity parties when I’m around people, but a part of me wants to be able to let go of my self-restraint and ask for pity or love or whatever. Does that make sense? Part of me wants to be an attention whore, but my only outlets for that are Katie/Mom, and this blog. When I make melodramatic statements here, I usually completely mean them.

My brain isn’t working well enough to write today…..

Oh, and happy Halloween. Woo hoo.