Category: losing matt

Day 6

I feel like I’m in the middle of a battle for …my life, basically.  And I’m completely unable to do anything about the outcome.

CAN’T SOMEBODY HELP?!?!?!  PLEASE!!!!!!!?  WE NEED HELP.

I’m so discouraged.

He says that he’s tried so hard all his life to make things better.  He’s tried everything they tell you to do – make friends, stay active, eat right, think positive – all that.  But nothing helps, he said.  Something in his brain is missing.  He’s not capable of getting better, he said.  He’s weak and stupid, he said.

Can’t somebody help?  What am I supposed to do??  I try to tell him that I think he’s strong and smart and capable of getting better, but he throws it in my face.

Please.  Somebody help.

Day 4, part 2

 

So I spoke with his social worker today during my lunch break. Two things that I gleaned from that conversation: 1) that he is still suicidal and they are concerned about him, and 2) that they know he’s still planning on killing himself after he’s discharged. The latter makes me more confident that he won’t be released within the week, like he said yesterday. At this point, they can keep him in as long as they need to – I do not want to go through another day like May 31 2012.

And so I continue to have mixed feelings about his whole situation. Mostly the feelings are of a bad nature (sad, hurt, worried, afraid, etc), but I am very glad that he’s not dead, and I’m glad that he’s addressing this problem instead of continuing to ignore it. I suppose I should say that I’m glad he’sgoing to be addressing this, since I’m sure that he’s still trying his hardest to ignore it. Why bother addressing your problems if you’re going to be dead soon?

Obviously I’m still very worried and hurt and lonely. I’m getting more accustomed to the probability that I’ll be living by myself for a while yet, though. I haven’t been crying as much (still some). I don’t feel hopelessly depressed, and I think I might be able to start cleaning the house and being productive without having to collapse under the sobs of missing him so much. Soon, anyway.

day 4

I’m not sure if this is a bad thing or not, but this is all that I can think about.

Yesterday I had to wait about 15 minutes after visiting hours started because he had gone for a swim and wasn’t back yet. When he got back, he acted normal enough – but when I asked him if it was still his plan to kill himself when he got out, he said that he wouldn’t tell me. And then when I accused him of meaning “yes,” he said “no” with a smile on his face.

Which obviously means that it’s still his plan – or at least that he wants me to think it is.

He also said that on Sunday, his doctor estimated that he would be released in about a week. That scares me. Even though people keep telling me that it’s hard for the patients to fool the doctors, I have a lot of confidence in my husband’s ability to act. A lot of confidence. And I am skeptical of them finding the perfect drug for him – especially within a week or ten days. I don’t know if they’re spending time talking to him, but I have doubts that their efforts will be fruitful. My husband is very stubborn and doesn’t like to feel helpless or out of control, and in those situations he will do whatever he can to get out of the situation.

I guess the ultimate act of control is killing yourself, isn’t it? Even though it’s also the ultimate surrender to your problems. How can it be both?

Post #1

 

My husband, the man who has been sharing my bed and home and life for the past five years, is in a psychiatric hospital after trying to kill himself four days ago.

I need an outlet for my thoughts and feelings – one that can handle more honesty than my in-laws or parents or friends can or should. Not that I necessarily want to even have to face all that honesty by myself, but I feel like I shouldn’t deny or ignore the realities of my thoughts and feelings.

I don’t feel like going over all the details of what happened on Thursday, and I don’t think all the details are important anyway.

I’m crying less. I guess that’s good, though it doesn’t mean that I feel any less sad, lonely, desperate, or depressed than before. It just means that sobbing so much gives me a headache and dehydrates me. And there’s no one around to rub my back and neck anymore when they hurt, so I might as well try to avoid things that make them ache more.

My biggest, biggest, biggest fear is that he’ll feel the same when he comes home, and try to kill himself again like he promised he would over and over on the day I drove him to the ER. I don’t think he’ll make his goal of 10 days since I doubt they’ll release him from the hospital before then, but I’m sure he can lengthen the deadline as needed. I’m afraid that I won’t be able to tell when he starts feeling this way again, since he’s so adept at pretending that he’s fine when he’s anything but. And I, in my utter foolishness, pretend that he actually is fine, since I don’t want to face the reality of the pain and horror that’s underneath his façade. But my oblivion doesn’t help anything. I keep telling myself that none of this is my fault………but a little voice in the back of my head also keeps whispering that maybe if I had been more dedicated to helping him stay focused on being healthy, maybe we wouldn’t be here right now.

I can’t imagine losing my husband. That’s a lie – I can imagine it, and it’s the most horrible thing I’ve ever imagined. So much worse than giving up my baby for adoption. At least she’s alive and happy and I can feel good about that decision. If I was to lose my husband…. How do people cope with that kind of loss??? I’m having a hard time motivating myself to do the mundane but necessary things in life as it is – how much worse would it be if I didn’t have the hope of getting my husband back???

Surprisingly, I’m doing a pretty good job of not taking his suicide attempt personally. I know that it’s the abuse that is making him hopelessly depressed, and the drugs his psychiatrist has been randomly prescribing haven’t helped. I know that it’s not me. But this also makes me feel helpless to help him at all. All I can do is go visit him every day, as much as he will let me, and let him know that I love him and will not abandon him (as he has expected me to do ever since we got together). I can prove him wrong. But I can’t make that help him feel better. I hope that it will…but I have no control over his brain chemistry.

I feel pretty useless overall right now. I don’t even know how to make myself feel better – let alone him. Everything that I do, everywhere that I go, something reminds me of him and makes my heart ache with missing him. I’ve been trying to avoid being home by myself, but I can’t get away from missing him.