day 4

I’m not sure if this is a bad thing or not, but this is all that I can think about.

Yesterday I had to wait about 15 minutes after visiting hours started because he had gone for a swim and wasn’t back yet. When he got back, he acted normal enough – but when I asked him if it was still his plan to kill himself when he got out, he said that he wouldn’t tell me. And then when I accused him of meaning “yes,” he said “no” with a smile on his face.

Which obviously means that it’s still his plan – or at least that he wants me to think it is.

He also said that on Sunday, his doctor estimated that he would be released in about a week. That scares me. Even though people keep telling me that it’s hard for the patients to fool the doctors, I have a lot of confidence in my husband’s ability to act. A lot of confidence. And I am skeptical of them finding the perfect drug for him – especially within a week or ten days. I don’t know if they’re spending time talking to him, but I have doubts that their efforts will be fruitful. My husband is very stubborn and doesn’t like to feel helpless or out of control, and in those situations he will do whatever he can to get out of the situation.

I guess the ultimate act of control is killing yourself, isn’t it? Even though it’s also the ultimate surrender to your problems. How can it be both?

Published by


I'm a young, childless widow who is trying to figure out the best way to deal with the world in light of my late husband's suicide. It's harder than I ever imagined it would be, but somehow at the same time I am still alive and even happy sometimes.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s