Category: grief

Monday.

This blog has certainly taken a depressing turn. I can’t even bring myself to read any past entries.

The mornings are so hard. At night, I’m relieved to go to sleep; now I know why Matt liked to sleep so much – because it erases everything from your mind. But waking up is almost worse because now I have a brand new day with no Matt. No Matt. Just memories and smells absolutely everywhere I look. I just don’t want to keep going. I know that Matt wanted me to be happy though and maybe it would honor him somehow for me to pursue that. I just don’t care about anything except Matt right now. Such an enormous, gaping hole. My world is completely in pieces – am I am too.

Oh Matt. How do I keep going without you? My goals in life were to spend more time with you because I loved being around you so much. We were going to start exercising again and stop eating out and get healthier together. Now…I guess I have to do it alone. I just don’t care. I can’t believe you’re gone. We were going to buy some property and build a house together. We had just talked about adopting kids. We had SO much in front of us and I was so happy to be yours – and so happy that you were mine. These last 5 years have been the happiest of my life – I’ve never felt as loved and valued as Matt made me feel. Oh fuck. Thinking about the future without Matt just makes me want to die.

Oh Matt. I miss you more than I even thought was possible. You are my other half, and you’re not ever coming back to me.

Sunday.

Went to church with Matt’s dad this morning. All I could think about on the ride home is how much I wanted Matt to be waiting at home for me. I’m so thankful to have people around right now but there is still a huge void in my heart and I feel like NOTHING is going to fill it ever.

Oh Matt. Oh Matt. All I want is to be snuggled up with you right now, kissing you and telling you that I love you. I threw away your toothbrush this morning, sobbing. I can’t believe I’ll never wake up with you again, never take a shower with you again, never be able to kiss you again, never be tickled again. I feel so alone – even though my parents are here and I’ve been spending time with Matt’s family. So, so, so alone.

I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to keep doing this. I feel so desperate and hopeless waking up each morning – to begin another empty, heart breaking day. I’m getting tired of crying all the time but there’s nothing else to do.

Oh, Matt. More than anything I want you to be at peace now. It’s what you wanted your whole life and fought so hard for, but in the end found unattainable. I’m so sorry. I wish I could have done more. I hope you know that I tried my HARDEST for you and that you meant EVERYTHING to me.

RIP, my Love

Matt’s dead.

My beautiful, smart, kind, sweet, wonderful husband shot himself on Thursday.

I…….I don’t know what to do or say. I feel empty and completely broken. I don’t want to feel anymore – this hurts so horrifically much. He’s never, ever coming back. I have to learn how to live without him. There is no “going back to normal” now because my beloved husband is gone. Dead.

EVERYthing makes me think of him. Driving down the road, going to the grocery store, being at home, being online, everything. He meant everything to me. How am I going to keep going?? I don’t want ANYTHING BUT HIM. How am I supposed to do this??! Fuck. FUCK.

I’m sorry…I know this post isn’t informative or good to read or anything. But whatever.

We were supposed to be taking a hike today and going to the bar for beers. We were doing better – I thought. I was so hopeful about the progress that we could make this year, and so hopeful that this year would be better than the last.

Now there are so many things we’ll never be able to do. I can’t believe it. But I can’t deny it either. He’s dead, and I am completely broken. I don’t want anything but my Matt back. Oh my God.