Mother’s Day and Being a Birthmother

As with most of my blog posts, this is not going to be well thought-out.  It’s on my mind, so I’m trying to write to understand myself a little better.

But, Mother’s Day always makes me feel sort of conflicted.  I am a birth mother, which puts me in a subset of Motherhood – but one that is usually written off by other people as not being legitimate or worth remembering.  It puts me in a weird place, though, because while I don’t want to bring it up regularly and talk about it with everyone, it’s still VERY MUCH a part of my past and of who I am now — so I usually find myself, around Mother’s Day, feeling sort of left out.  Like I’m just asking for attention if I want to feel special on this day, and like I should just be able to let it go because I’m not a “real mother.”  (No one has actually said that to me – just my brain.)

I don’t know that I want any more than to just be accepted and known as a woman who bore a child for 9 months, has a bona fide birthing story, and who made the best decision that she could for her daughter.  I know, it’s easy to forget these things about me because I don’t talk about them often, and because Sarah has parents who love her and are not me.

Oh, I don’t know.  I just wish that I could bring this up more easily — without feeling like I’m asking for attention or sympathy.  I just want to tell you about my experience, and to let you know that even though I don’t understand what it’s like to raise children, I do know what it’s like to love and want the beautiful baby you just gave birth to.

I do not know how people with children ever get anything done.  I have absolutely no idea how my parents did it.  I don’t ever seem to have enough time to do everything that I want to do at home – and imagine throwing a kid or two into the mix!!  Does it just force you to view everything with a different mindset?  As in, I have to get this done so I’m not even going to allow myself to think about what might happen if I don’t do it.  Because I totally procrastinate all the time.  Like last night, instead of mowing the lawn or doing laundry, I made a bunch of cupcakes.  Granted, I had a good reason to make them — I need to figure out what recipe I’m going to use for the cakes for Carla’s wedding (verdict: maybe this cake recipe, but definitely not the icing recipe).  But I sorely need to do laundry, and straighten my bedroom, and clean the bathroom, and mow the lawn.  You know — all this stuff that I regularly talk about doing but seldom do.

I say all this, because after work tonight I need to go pick up some boxes of books at Ryan’s, and borrow the lawn mower so I can mow the lawn.  And then I need to do laundry and wash dishes from all the baking I did last night (plus I made bean enchiladas….which were delicious).

But do I want to do any of that?  Oh, no.  I have been feeling a new quilt coming on lately, and am toying with using the leftover green linen from my cloak, with the map fabric I bought at the Country Living fair – and maybe doing an Escher inspired design.  Not sure yet.

ALSO though, I want to spend the evening making a few very small leather items – like wallets, or small envelope clutches of some sort.  (And honestly I’m more likely to do these than to start on a quilt tonight….)

Then again, there’s also Oblivion, which, frankly, I am still rather enjoying.  I finished the main quest line, so I now have Champion of Cyrodiil added to my resume — along with Arch Mage, and whatever the Arena champion is called.  I also have been to the Shivering Isles one measly time, and need to go back there to explore some more.

Oh man.  See?  How do people with kids fit this kind of stuff into their schedules?!  I mean, they would either need to stay at home all the time and not have to work 8 hours/day, or have older children who they can trust to not ruin things while they’re crafting…….etc.  NOT TO MENTION laundry and housework!!!  I’m feeling tired just thinking about it.

Ginkgo Purse

First of all, this is my newest purse.  I LOVE it, and made it with myself in mind….but am listing it on Etsy instead.  I just got some new veg tan (which is less suede-like and more stiff) which I think I might use to make myself one of these – because the ginkgo leaves turned out just so well, and I really love it.

gingko detail gingko full 2 gingko purse 2 gingko purse ginkgo full

So this is one thing I did over the weekend.  On Sunday, we went to the craft fair at Centennial Park (which is NOT called TACA anymore, but I’m afraid I can’t remember what it’s now called — so we went to the craft fair that is not called TACA).  We both ended up buying these gorgeous wood-turned pens from the same vendor, who was selling them for a pretty reasonable price (comparatively, anyway).  Stephen’s works fine, but the ink cartridge that came in mine seems to be dried out already so I might be making a pit stop to Target…..

Anyway, also got these adorable terra cotta herb garden markers, so here is a picture of my “herb garden” this year.  They may be in pots — but they are flourishing!!  The parsley IS looking a tad yellow, I know, but I wasn’t home all weekend so it hasn’t been getting much attention.  The basil is really taking off – I’m excited about all this fresh basil, especially since the fresh veggies from the summer CSA should be coming in soon!

herbs

One more picture.  This was my lunch today (er, half of it).  Sourdough bread, turkey, brie, greens, tomatoes, pesto mayo, and garlic aioli — with my little cast iron panini press.  HIGHLY RECOMMEND THIS SANDWICH!!!!!

sandwich

Finished my cloak last night, guys.  And it’s sooo pretty.  The linen blend has an expensive feel about it even though it was one of the cheapest ones they had at Joann’s.  Would look better if I had bought material to do a lining too, but 1) too expensive, and 2) I want to wear it in May, so that would make it too hot, as well.

cloak

OH IT’S SO PRETTY OMG.  Even though I apparently forgot to suck in my stomach when I took the picture!!  I will get someone to take a picture in better lighting, and with the white dress I’m going to wear with it…but just am excited so wanted to put this picture up right now anyway.

Green!

Went to the fabric store yesterday after work.  They had 7 yards of only one off the off-white linen blends in stock, so I looked at some other colors too and decided on this (cheaper) green linen blend.

green

Oh it’s gorgeous!!!  Sorry for potato quality; it was a little dark in the room when I took the picture, and I obviously didn’t let is focus for long enough.

So last night I cut out all of the pieces and then pinned them, and today I really want to start sewing.  I’m pretty sure that I won’t be able to start on it today though…so maybe tomorrow.  Or Thursday.  Or Friday for heavens sake.  I seriously wish that I was home sewing right now.

This weekend, I went to a Country Living fair in Lebanon with Stephen, his mom, and his oldest sister.  I had a good time even though I came away with quite a sunburn on my shoulders.  It’s not the worst I’ve ever hard, but I really need to buy some sunscreen for this summer…..  Here are a few pictures.

Mostly I just wanted to post the update about the cloak though.  Eh heh.

fair 1 fair 2 fair 3 fair 4

Renaissance Fair plans

OK guys, I’m sort of a dork.  I realize and embrace this fact, and in the interest of caring less about what people think of me and more about doing things that make me happy, I am making myself a cloak to wear to this year’s Ren Fair.  Which starts in a couple of weeks.

I just found a pattern online and downloaded it.  Next, I need to acquire seven yards of fabric to make this.  JoAnn’s has a 50% off fabric coupon which I will be using, unless I find one that is on sale and cheaper without the coupon.  I’m wanting to do a very light-weight fabric…probably a cotton or linen.  It’s going to be white.  I am already excited.

The reason I want to dress up for this at all is because the last time I went, I wore regular clothes and was SO jealous of all the people in their beautiful costumes.  So THIS time, I’m not going to feel left out.

Here’s a drawing of the cloak ——

cloak

So just imagine this in white, with a white cotton dress underneath.  I’ve wanted to wear my brown cloak to the Ren Fair before, but it’s too heavy since the fair is always in May.  I figure a nice light white one will actually help though – with keeping my skin from being sunburned, and reflecting the sun (etc etc).

OK, will stop going on about this now.  Will also post updates…….  😀

New Etsy Listing, Weekend Recap, etc.

Sometimes I feel guilty about writing blog posts as a bulleted list, because that seems like a cop out.  I can write in incomplete sentences, I don’t have to try to make my thoughts flow cohesively (no transitional paragraphs, for example), and I still feel organized (because lists).

That said, I am still going to post this entry as a list.  I will, however, try to complete my sentences.

  • On Friday, we went to the symphony.  Two of the pieces they played were composed by the same person (whose name I have forgotten…); one was based on the works of Grant Wood (of American Gothic fame), and the other – which was a world premier I believe – was based on works of Hemingway.  I QUITE liked both of these, but especially the Hemingway as I’m more familiar with him than I am with Grant Wood.  I commented to Stephen that sometimes I have a tendency to sort of zone out during the symphony, but both of these pieces held my attention the whole time.
  • Oh and beforehand, we went to Sushiyobi with Katie for dinner.  Was delicious.
  • On Saturday, Mike and Mar came over and we played games and ate amazing corned beef sandwiches for dinner.  Oh so good.  Saturday also included an unsuccessful trip to Lowes for a cable for the lawn mower (my grass is currently about 18″ high), but we did successfully find sweet mint and peppermint plants so there’s that.
  • Sunday was spent thus — slept in, Stephen left and I went to Coco to meet Katie for lunch, we came back to my house to draw but ended up putting on Life Aquatic while Katie read and I worked on this leather purse.  Drank some wine, etc.  Was nice.  After Katie left, I drank some more wine, ate dinner, watched some TV, finished the purse, and went to bed.
  • I will note that the whole week has been wet and rainy, which is one reason that my grass is almost up to my knees.  I took this picture out of my living room window yesterday, when the sky was dark grey with rain clouds but the sun had managed to peek through momentarily …

light

Oh and here are pictures of the new purse.

maple - front detail maple - front full maple - front

allergies and to-do lists….

My immune system decided that it could no longer stand up against this army of allergens that’s been waging war, and has flown up the white flag.  Naturally, the allergens have all taken this as their cue to invade my entire head and I am currently having trouble warding off the violent eruptions of phlegm through my nasal passages.  Plus my eyes are running, and my ears are running, and my mouth probably is too for that matter.  Not to be left out.  I’m sure I look like I’ve been crying.  Which I guess I kind of have been – crying over the defeat of my precious immune system and my poor nose.

Eh, anyway.  So that’s how the morning’s going so far.  I should have taken an antihistamine (eh heh).

Last night was utterly unproductive unless we’re counting the adventures of Traude, my Bosmer in Oblivion.  But we’re not – we’re only counting things that happen in real (as opposed to virtual) life.  So last night was utterly unproductive — but fun, don’t get me wrong.

So today after work, I have some stuff that I need to get done.

  • Firstly, I should do a load of laundry
  • Secondofly, I need to clean the kitchen
  • And straighten the living room, though it’s pretty clean
  • I ought to change the sheets in the bedroom, and I REALLY need to go through all my clothes and just throw out the ones I don’t wear anymore.  Or at least, I can put them in a box or something and stick them in the attic — that would be better than storing them in laundry baskets or on the floor.
  • Also I need to get my  Etsy inventory back up.  I owe the IRS a lot this year (presumably because I’d filed as married the last several years and I guess I never changed anything with that after Matt died…ugh) so any extra income I can make would be nice.  And I obviously can sell those apothecary’s satchels, so I really should.
  • Maybe after getting some cleaning knocked out, I’ll put on Amelie and make some leather stuff.  Haven’t seen Amelie in a while, and I think it’s supposed to be rainy tonight which is perfect weather for that movie

Now I just have to make it until 4:30.  I brought a new book with me — the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire, volume 1.  Yesterday was busy at work but maybe today will be slow enough for me to read some.  That’d be nice.

Well, it was a very nice weekend.  I’m mostly here to post a few pictures, as usual; anyway it’s still early and I’m having a bit of trouble forming complete sentences.  Still working on my coffee…..

Friday, we went to the symphony.  It was all great until the last piece, Debussy’s La Mer (should the name of a song be italicized, or put in quotation marks?  I am too sleepy to google it right now) —- which was absolutely amazing.  You could feel the sea breeze and the waves and hear the birds and feel the sunshine and clouds – oh it was lovely.

On Saturday, Mike and Mar came over and we played a few games and had a few beers — I had a lot of fun and think everyone else did too.  After they left, Stephen and I went to the grocery store to pick up some food for dinner, which was magnificent; we made coc au vin with Riesling and herbs — omg it was amazing.  Also made grilled asparagus, and Stephen whipped up some hollandaise sauce which was quite delicious.  All that with some baguette, and we ended up being able to finish the asparagus, a piece of bread, and about half of a chicken breast each.  I also started on this cake on Saturday, which I finished yesterday.

cake 2 cake

This is a half-recipe, because you’re supposed to bake these in a Pullman pan, which I did not have (and still do not, though I found a $5 one online and ordered it…).  But I think it worked out ok.  It’s not the straightest cake ever, but it’s still pretty cool-looking!  I think I put too much ganache inbetween all the pieces, but this was a practice cake so meant for learning.  Which I did!

Yesterday we went to Fido for breakfast and coffee, and then drove out to Cummins Falls.  It was a LOVELY day to spend on the rocks at a waterfall.  The water was a tad too cold for swimming (although that did not stop some of the people who were there), so we mostly sat around on the rocks for a few hours, enjoying the flung spray and the blown spume (to quote John Masefield).  Was such a wonderful way to spend a sunny spring Sunday – I highly recommend.

cummins falls

I have no idea why I’m still so sleepy this morning.  I stopped at Pilot for some coffee (which, if you believe it, is actually better than the coffee we have here in the office…), and finished off most of the 20-oz cup, but man I am still so sleepy.  Didn’t even stay up too late last night.  I totally fell asleep reading, but I think it was around 11.  Stephen went to a show that I decided not to attend, and I woke up briefly after the show was over, but that still should not account for the heaviness of my eyelids this morning.  May have to go out briefly on my lunch break JUST so that I can get out of the stifling office atmosphere and into the (presumably) lovely spring day.  I’m planning to go to Beaman after work anyway, but any extra sunshine will be such a welcome contrast to the fluorescent bulbs…….

In an effort to wake up and practice my fine motor skills (erm), I decided to mehndi my hand this morning.  That’s right, I just verbed that word.  Makes me want to buy henna so that I don’t have Sharpie all over my skin, but eh.  I’m not even sure where to get henna.  Michael’s?

henna

Was fun.  Hand pretty now.

Speaking of pictures, I meant to upload this one before now but forgot.  This was from…..um, last Saturday I think.  We went to Beaman and did the 4.5 mile trail, then hit up Kroger for food and beer.  Went back to Stephen’s where we grilled potatoes and hamburgers, and it was SO GOOD OMG.  Stephen likes to doctor up the meat, and so these burgers were part pork, part beef, with stuff like mustard, spices, bleu cheese, etc mixed in.  OK I wasn’t paying all that much attention to what he put in them.  The best part though, was that he stuffed them with cream cheese.  Guys, believe me when I tell you that you want to start putting cream cheese on (or inside) your burgers from here on out.  Make it as much as necessity as salt and pepper.  You’ll thank me.  At least, your tongue will.

burger

Oh, and there was extra bleu cheese on top, with bacon and sauted onions and iceburg lettuce.  Went promptly into a food coma after eating dinner, which was fine as all we had to do was move to the other room to watch a movie.

Man that was a good burger.  I’m getting hungry just looking at it.

Have I complained yet about my computer?  I seem to recall saying something about I forgot my PC wasn’t a Mac and I didn’t keep up with the antivirus software at all.  So Stephen recommended that I just wipe the hard drive and start over from scratch, rather than scrapping the computer which was my first inclination.  It’s turning into something of a thing, because I didn’t have any recovery DVDs for reinstalling things like the operating system, and when I tried to reset the thing to the factory settings it decided to crash.  Sooo had to order the appropriate (I hope) software from HP (which ought to be shipping today and delivering soon!!!).  I’m hoping that I can get it to work again soon.  Would be ever so nice.

Well.  Anyway.