Day: July 21, 2014

Sometimes when I look back over the last 10 years of my life, I feel grateful: for the lessons I have learned, for the person I have grown to be, for the friends who have stuck with me along my journey and also for some who haven’t. Other times when I reminisce though, I feel regret and shame – for the feelings that I have hurt, for the bad decisions I have made, for all the money I spent with nothing to show for it now.

One of my oldest Nashville friends is getting married this weekend, and someone who used to be a mutual friend is going to be the best man. In all honesty, I think this guy was my first real romantic interest. We had a somewhat turbulent friendship which never developed into anything more serious than just that; though, that said, it was complicated and ended on an even more complicated note. I’m not proud of how our relationship ended, and I know he isn’t either. It’s all in the past now, yes, but seeing his name in the wedding party list has brought up some interesting emotions.

I find that I still feel a great deal of fondness towards him. I’m not resentful or hurt or angry. I regret that we let the inevitable human drama get between us and destroy our friendship. It’s a funny thing, but I still miss our whole group, from time to time. That was the first group of friends I ever had who I felt all actually liked me and enjoyed my company, and that was such a novel and exhilarating experience. But I was foolish and immature and didn’t know how to respect myself, let alone my friends. I’m glad that I have learned and grown through experiences like these, but I wish I didn’t always insist on learning life lessons the hard way.

And I wish I could go back and undo the feelings that I have hurt in my selfish and narrow-minded past.

Pink cardigans with matching heels

You guys remember back when I used to dress like a butch lesbian? Obviously there’s nothing wrong with that, but as I was not in fact a lesbian, it was a misleading look for me. I remember having to make a conscious effort to start dressing in a more feminine way (motivation being twofold – I wanted to stop being mistaken for a man, and I wanted to maybe possibly start attracting more attention from potential dates). It was a slow transformation, mostly because I didn’t give a flip about fashion at that point anyway and makeup was far, far, far too troublesome to be bothered with.

Anyway, that as a preface for this: I’m actually wearing makeup this Monday morning. Yeah yeah, it happens from time to time. I’m also wearing pink. I view this whole decade-long transformation as being something of a liberation; my high school and early college fashion choices were based on 1) the modesty I was taught growing up, and 2) the idea of feminism as being a rebellion against traditional feminine ways. I have since realized that modesty is a good thing but that there’s no reason to go overboard, but more importantly that feminism means I can do whatever the fuck I want. If I want to wear pink cardigans and matching pink heels, that’s perfectly fine. If I want to dress like a man, that is also perfectly fine. Probably because I am more normal than I like to admit sometimes, wearing feminine clothes makes me feel pretty. (Oh yeah, and so does this coconut shampoo.)

And I’m feeling pretty today. It’s nice. So I thought I’d share it with the blog. You’re welcome.

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In other news. I had a pretty fantastic weekend.

Saturday morning was spent in bed, as a good portion of Saturday mornings ought to be spent. Saturday afternoon was spent driving down the Natchez Trace with a friend, then going to an Ashley Cleveland show in Bon Aqua. Some of you may recognize her name. It wasn’t a show I would have attended had this friend (we’ll call him Stephen) not invited me, but I really enjoyed the music.

Sunday morning was spent luxuriating in bed, which is one of my favorite Sunday morning pastimes.

Monty Python just put on their (supposedly) last performance, and I went to Opry Mills to watch it with my Russian friend who grew up with the Pythons. I really enjoyed the show; yes they pretty much just performed skits everyone already knows, and no it was not perfect or novel or anything unexpected. However. I really enjoyed it, like I said.

I’m thinking of going through my DVDs and taking a bunch to McKay’s. I need new books. (Please don’t ask me to define “need” here.) I keep trying to read Cold Mountain on my Nook…but I think my charger is bad because it just will not hold a charge. I suppose I could invest in a new charger rather than a paper copy of the book, but sometimes I don’t think clearly when it comes to new books.