Memorializing Matt’s FB Page

This post is not going to be entirely about the memorialization process. But I did finally download all of Matt’s messages from FB, and then requested that his page be memorialized.

I’ve reached a point where I don’t think about Matt as much as I used to. It’s hard to quantify this for you guys, though, because I still think about him every day and very frequently. I don’t dwell on what life used to be like while he was alive and married to me, though. It’s so, so painful to remember how happy I was. I read through a few of the messages from FB after downloading them though, which is making it really hard to ignore how much I miss Matt.

Katie made a good point over the weekend. She said that for the first year after she was separated, she would compare her life to whatever she was doing this time last year. I do this all the time too. This time last year, for example, we were both trying to get back into the habit of daily exercise and eating well – and I was happy. I’m almost looking forward to passing February 21st this year, because after that I’ll be able to say – “This time last year I was paralyzed with grief,” or “This time last year the only thing that mattered to me was that Matt was gone,” or whatever. I think it will be good for my perspective, and encouraging. But I’m not there yet…still have fucking Valentine’s Day to live through, not to mention the 21st itself.

Anyway.

I had an extremely unproductive weekend (unless you could making a couple of journals – but that’s the only thing that counts as productive). I’m remembering that I enjoy life a lot more when it has structure, and when I’m disciplined enough to live by that structure. So, I’m making myself a To Do list today. There are several things that I need to take care of (e.g. clean out the garage, get a new washing machine, do all of my laundry) – but most immediately I want to work on keeping my house nice and clean, and getting out of the house more often. Especially on weekends.

Woke up from dreaming about Matt to my alarm clock this morning. It was a weird dream and I can’t remember all the details. Mostly what I remember is that normally I can choose to not remember Matt’s skin and how it felt to touch him, but apparently I don’t have that discretionary power in my dreams. Because I remember all that clear as day right now.

I was feeling OK, though, until I went to Matt’s FB page just now.

It’s frustrating that I can feel OK and stable and excited about something — and then BAM! something will remind me of Matt and I’ll want to melt into a puddle.

This will probably morph into a list.

I just looked up “prolificious” because I wondered if it was a word. Sadly, it is not.

I’ve been feeling the need to write lately, but it’s been discouraging because I haven’t had much to write about. Sure, I could write about Christmas and what I’ve been doing lately. But Christmas was depressing (I’m sorry – it had nothing to do with any of my family/friends). I cried a ton the 26th and 27th – I suppose to make up for ignoring Christmas the whole month of December.

Lately though, not much has been happening. I’m feeling stagnant, mostly because I’m getting tired of Skyrim which allows me more time to analyze my life and pastimes. I’ve been thinking about dating lately, too. It can be exciting, but it can also be so tiring and pointless. Instead of spending my time and energy on meeting new people, I feel like I should be trying to better myself or do something more worthwhile. Not sure what, though.

OK, so I do have some good ideas of things that it would be beneficial for me to spend my time doing.

So I guess the real problem here is motivation. I used to get all into household projects (and Pinterest helped a lot with that). But there are just certain things that I do not give two damns about, and household projects frequently fall into this category. Lately, anyway.

It all goes back to me wanting to find meaning and fulfillment in life. Those things are both really nice to have. I’ll settle for fulfillment, too.

I’m reading the Grapes of Wrath right now – and am really liking it so far. I’m about half-way in though, and expect several more depressing turns before the end. Making me thankful that I didn’t have to personally experience this part of history.

Watching Dexter lately, too. I had stopped watching it because I was afraid that Matt identified too well with Dexter. No more worries now anyway….

Took my Christmas tree down this weekend. The living room looks kind of sparse now. In a full way. That doesn’t make sense, I know. It’s OK.

Bitching

So I have been pretty much ignoring Christmas this year. I put up a tree in hopes that it would make me feel more Christmas-y, but it hasn’t, even two days before Christmas. This weekend I got most of my wrapping knocked out, which was less fun than usual. Not only did I not have to shop for Matt this year, but all my gift tags say, depressingly, “from Erin” and no one else.

I don’t talk to Matt all that much these days, but I did over the weekend…remembering how much he hated Christmas and how he’s probably glad (if he could be) that he’s missing it this year. But that no one else is.

It’s very hard to stand aside and let people you love do things that you don’t think they should, even when they are convinced that it’s the right thing for them. It’s hard because you don’t know what’s going on inside anyone’s brain but yours. And though I am regrettably quick to judge other people based on my own personal experiences that I perceive as having similarities to their situation, I realize that I really shouldn’t do that at all. The more I experience of life, the more I realize that experiences are not universal and that it’s stupid for me to assume that they are.

That to say…I really wish Matt was here, and I don’t think I would ever say that he did the right thing, but certainly he thought he did. And though I was the person closest to Matt, I still wasn’t ever inside his brain. So I don’t know.

What I do know is that around this time last year, I was getting last-minute Christmas shopping done while Matt was home relaxing; I checked our bank account balance after leaving Target and saw the transaction for the necklace that he bought me last year. I had bitched and complained about how I didn’t want to TELL him what I wanted for Christmas – I wanted him to get me something that HE thought I’d like. So he got me this leaf pendant from one of his favorite fantasy series. And I remember seeing that transaction and thinking that this was one of the best feelings in the world – my husband getting me a Christmas present that he picked out because he thought I would like it. And that I got to go home to him and shower him with love, pretending not to have noticed the order.

So that’s my favorite Christmas memory from last year, and now I’m crying again – great.

tree presents 2013

Introverted

God DAMN I’ve been way too social lately. I am so excited about blowing off all my plans for this weekend (except Katie of course) and spending as much time as possible by myself. I don’t even care what I do. As long as no one else is there.

Was going to bitch about this on FB and then decided that it would be silly to draw so much attention to myself when I want attention directed AWAY from me. At least at the moment.

recovery

Here’s something that’s been on my mind lately.

After Sarah was born, I experienced tons and tons of different emotions. One of them was a feeling of meaninglessness; I attributed this to the fact that while I was pregnant, I was fulfilling my biological imperative by creating a new person – which is definitely a very gratifying thing to do. Makes you feel like your life is ABOUT something, and like you’re doing something worthwhile. So after she was born and I didn’t have her anymore, I had to re-learn how to give my life meaning without a child in it. It was a little difficult – 9 months is kind of a while.

I’m feeling something similar to this now. It’s been over 9 months (oh geez, the 10 month mark is this Saturday) and I’m starting to feel a loss of urgency when it comes to piecing my life back together. What I mean is that I’m more stable now and not having to dedicate as much energy to just dealing with the fact that Matt’s still gone and will always be gone. I feel like this has been THE GOAL of my life for the last 9 months, and now that I’m able to see how much progress I’ve made, I just feel like I should have a different goal for my life.

It’s depressing to know that I am consciously moving on from Matt, but I remind myself that none of this was my decision in the first place, and that I’m just making do with what I was given. Second to last thing that Matt told me was that none of this was about me, and I also try to remember that. He wanted me to have a better life than he thought he could give me, which really upset me while he was alive – but what’s the use getting upset over it now?

Another depressing part is that I still instinctively want to talk to Matt about all of this, and get his input to see what he thinks I should do. (oh well)

One of the guys who works in the warehouse lost his wife last week. I don’t know him really at all, but he’s probably in his early 40’s and always seemed like a pleasant guy. Apparently, his wife had been losing weight but no one knew why, and then she just died in her sleep last week. And he had to wake up next to his dead wife that morning.

Sometimes I feel like life is just so absurd. Like…why do I make it such a big deal when shit like this can and does happen every day?

I had a peaceful, relaxing, sometimes melancholy (but sometimes not) weekend. I spent Saturday morning cleaning the house and my kitchen hasn’t been this clean in a while. Makes me happy. The bedroom is not clean, but hey, I’ve never been an overachiever. I spent basically the whole weekend at home by myself, and enjoyed it overall, but whenever I spend weekends at home they always make me feel Matt’s absence poignantly. I don’t cry nearly as much these days, but I still miss Matt so much – every day. I still want to talk to him, laugh with him, show him things I’ve done, touch him, make him sandwiches.

And thinking about future romantic relationships, while exciting some of the time, also just make me tired. Makes me want to just hang out with women and gay men. Sort of.

It just doesn’t feel Christmas-y at all to me. I haven’t even wanted to watch any Christmas movies yet, not even It’s a Wonderful Life. I have one present wrapped, too. The rest are sitting on the table in the living room, surrounded by wrapping supplies. Blah.

Another one in which I complain about stuff.

Seems that I write most when I have the most to complain about – which makes for super positive reading, I know!

I’ve really been craving Matt lately. To possibly be more accurate, I’ve been craving attention and affection and Matt was my only consistent source for these things. I’m sure that it’s good for me to be able to be content without these things constantly in my life, but…it also kind of sucks. I’m not really sure what I want to do to remedy this. (Well….correction – I do know what I WANT to do, but I’m not sure what I’m GOING to do. An important distinction to make.)

It’s been almost 10 months and I am used to living alone and sleeping alone, but I miss being married. I miss being the most important person in someone else’s world (or…the second most important person anyway). Geez, sometimes I just feel like a big baby! Waah. How much easier would this all have been if I hadn’t loved being married to Matt so much? Pointless speculation, I realize; plus, I really can’t complain because I was happier with Matt than I’d ever been before.

And I’m probably not as jaded as I should be. I strongly suspect that I’ll meet someone who will make me as happy as Matt did. And I know that I shouldn’t be desperate or rush into anything – and I won’t. But it’s tempting sometimes. Though other times, I think I need to move out of Tennessee…..

Enough complaining now, I guess.

Edit: since this is just a random blog entry, I thought I’d tack on my horoscope. Apparently this is going to be the year of promiscuity! Ha…ha…ha….

SAGITTARIUS – The Promiscuous One (November 22 to December 21)
Spontaneous. High appeal. Rare to find. Great when found. Loves being in long relationships. So much love to give. A loner most of the time. Loses patience easily and will not take crap. If in a bad mood stay FAR away. Gets offended easily and remembers the offense forever. Loves deeply but at times will not show it, feels it is a sign of weakness. Has many fears but will not show it. VERY private person. Defends loved ones with all their abilities. Can be childish often. Not one to mess with. Very pretty. Very romantic. Nice to everyone they meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique appeal. Most caring person you will ever meet! Amazing in bed!!! Not the kind of person you want to mess with- you might end up crying.

Astrology is full of itself, but this does do a pretty good job of describing me – except for the “gets offended easily” part. At least I don’t think that’s accurate. Also, I don’t think I’m all that childish – though maybe I just repress that part of my personality. Hm.

I think I’m a fan of Pope Francis. This is an interesting article – and I just wanted to say that Pope Francis seems to do a really good job of conveying Jesus’s messages. I’m actually kind of amazed.

http://www.collective-evolution.com/2013/10/30/pope-francis-denotes-christianity-as-an-illness/