Category: Uncategorized

I want to go shopping. But I’m not going to. It’s just my brain wanting the excitement of immediate gratification, and since that’s the Worst Reason Ever to go shopping, it’s not going to happen. I can tell that it would make me feel better though. Which is bothersome.

Stupid brain.

I have nothing planned for this week so far – clean slate. Unfortunately, the weather report is looking pretty grey and rainy so I’ll probably be spending another week inside.

Started reading Bridgett Jones’s Diary again on a whim. I need something more substantial to read though, too. What should I read next?? I’d like to get into the Foundation series….again………….but um…..

The neck on my guitar needs to be adjusted, I think. I can’t even play it right now. This is a sad thing. I should get it fixed.

Finished doing my taxes last week! Ha! That’s always gratifying.

I really need a new big project. But like what? Why do I have such a hard time motivating myself to do shit sometimes? Does this happen to other people too, or is it just me? I wonder if I’m doing something wrong. All this free time I have because of my lack of dependents…I should really utilize it better than I do. Hm.

So this is basically what is my brain is looking like now. Oh, and I’m almost embarrassed to admit this, but all the stuff about Woody Allen is making me really want to watch Annie Hall (which I would probably do if I actually owned the movie).

Oh guys, sometimes I would just like to hug you and tell you all that I love you. So, consider this a virtual hug. And I love all of you who I know read this blog.

Woman is to feminism as man is to __________?

God DAMN I’ve been way too social lately. I am so excited about blowing off all my plans for this weekend (except Katie of course) and spending as much time as possible by myself. I don’t even care what I do. As long as no one else is there.

Was going to bitch about this on FB and then decided that it would be silly to draw so much attention to myself when I want attention directed AWAY from me. At least at the moment.

I was just thinking about two specific times I remember seeing something and thinking – “I want to be like that,” and then consciously trying to emulate that behavior.

The first time was when I was reading a Jeanette Oak book waaaay back…um, when would that have been? I think we were living on Walker Road then, so I was 10 or 12? I have no idea. It was 15-20 years ago (that’s weird to say). As I remember it, the protagonist was attending school, and she and her roommate had just received grades for a test or class or something. The protagonist was bragging about how she’d gotten a good grade – almost perfect, and her roommate congratulated her and was very encouraging about it all. The roommate left at some point, and the protagonist saw the roommate’s test score – it was perfect. She was struck with how boastful she had been, and how humble and kind her roommate was. I remember thinking that I really wanted to be like the roommate.

The second instance was in high school I think, and we were all at the church building on a Friday. A bunch of the moms were sitting outside under the awning, and Dad was around doing some work. Another mom showed up and there were no more chairs outside; Dad noticed all of this, and went inside and brought her a chair without calling attention to himself at all. Now, I realize Dad does this kind of thing all the time, but for whatever reason I really remember it this time, and I remember thinking that I want to be the kind of person who notices things like that and does them without being asked.

Obviously I have not achieved these goals yet, heh, but I just thought I’d write them out because it’s interesting to me that I have such clear memories of them.

I hate it when I dream about Matt. I woke up this morning and couldn’t remember what I had been dreaming – nothing except that Matt had been in it. When I wake up after dreaming about him, I find it harder to get up and have a good day. One exception – when I know that he’s dead in my dream. But most of the time, he’s alive and well. (Sigh)

I get so fucking tired of crying.

I made a discovery yesterday – if you Google “I hate Lipscomb,” I’m the top search result! This is why I get so many damned hits on that post, which is not even an interested entry. I almost want to go back and change it some so that it’s a better rant, but I don’t think I’m going to do that. I was talking with L about it some yesterday and decided that I don’t want to edit old blog entries as a matter of principle. My thinking is that the entries are a history of ME, and if the person who I am now goes back and changes anything, the entries aren’t as pure.

I do kind of feel bad about that entry getting attention, though, because Steve Prewitt himself called me a couple of weeks into taking that Bible class and told me that they had taken another look at my file and determined that due to new Bible rules, I in fact already had all my graduation requirements and could go ahead and drop the class/cancel my loan and graduate. It was a VERY happy day.

Doesn’t mean that I don’t hate Lipscomb, it just means that I think it might be a better place since I went to school there.

Here’s the yarn that came in the mail yesterday.

Otherwise, I don’t have much to write about other than missing Matt. So what else is new? I get distracted by projects and other people, but when I’m alone it’s hard not to collapse into sobs. One of the sales reps at work lost his wife last week. They had two grown children and at least 3 grandkids. I can’t really imagine how much he must miss her – for them it was decades; for Matt and me it was 5 years. And he came back to work yesterday too – I don’t get it. I guess working is better than lying around the house being completely heartsick and miserable.

I hope no one minds that much that I sound like a broken record in pretty much every blog entry. When it comes down to it, I still have trouble caring about anything else sometimes. **sigh**

I just feel like an attention whore, leaving these two depressing posts up without following up. (so annoying that you can’t be an attention whore, isn’t it? because sometimes you just want attention!)

anyway. I decided to go to Big Lots on my lunch break to get some more dish clothes. my washing machine has been broken for a while, so every time I need clean clothes I have to manually agitate the load after it fills with water, and then wring everything out by hand because it won’t spin either. I definitely wear clean clothes, and I wash sheets and all, but towels are SO hard to wring out by hand. to boot, whenever I’ve washed towels they end up smelling bad when they come out of the drier. so…I have like no clean towels except the ones that are in use, basically. this is another reason I haven’t been doing dishes very frequently (last time I actually pulled out one of Matt’s socks and used it, heh).

so anyway, got some new dish clothes. then went to Publix and got some pink spray roses (SO pretty) and a salad for lunch. I don’t have plans for this evening, so I think I’m going to actually clean the house – not just straighten table tops to make things look neater. nope, probably going to blare some music and dust/scrub/wash/sweep/etc. I always feel SO much better when my house is clean, plus it gives me a sense of having accomplished something. I’m feeling more encouraged already. 🙂