Category: this is my life

the Grind

I think that I have neglected to inform you all about my current job status.  (This because everyone in Knoxville asked me about it last Sunday.)  Here’s your update – sorry I forgot to give it before.  I’m much less inclined to write about work if I am not actively miserable.

So I am partially back in the customer service world now.  I’m not taking miscellaneous phone calls though – just calls from the accounts I handle, and from sales reps.  I’m going to be focusing on food service — which, for right now, means that the food service reps will send me their problematic accounts/orders, and that I’ll be something of a mediator between the sales reps and the buyer.  This will involve a lot of troubleshooting and problem solving — things that not only am I good at doing, but I also kind of enjoy doing them.  

That’s your basic update, in a nutshell.  All this is subject to change, but this is what I’m doing right now anyway.  And I am SO MUCH HAPPIER at work than I was just a few weeks ago.  I love not dreading going to work.  (Now, we’ll see how I feel about it once the leaves start changing and the weather cools down and I want to spend every second of my life outside….but don’t have to worry about that quite yet.)

just a boring list

…because it’s 8:30 am and I’m bored.  THIS is why I never got any blogging done before working here — I was never bored at B&C!  (If there’s time to lean, there’s time to clean…always.)  

Anyway.

So yesterday was pretty productive, and I want to keep that trend going this week if I can.  Here’s what I did yesterday.  I’m writing this to alleviate my own boredom, mind you, so no one should expect this to be an interesting entry.  You’ve been warned.

On my lunch, I went to Ross and got some new throw pillows for my couch, because when Katie was over last Saturday she declared that it was high time for me to get a new one.  Since getting a new couch is a hell of a lot of trouble (especially when one of my goals in life is to have a nice leather couch – the type that would sort of match my leather chair – and those are not only expensive but also easy for cats to destroy) ……um, because of those things, I decided to continue to make do with the couch I currently have, and replace my old, ratty-looking throw pillows!  So I got new ones, and re-arranged 50% of the living room yesterday evening.  Just to switch things up.  The couch is now underneath the window, which is a place it’s been before, but not for a while. 

Um, anyway.  So also on my lunch break I dropped off a load of towels, and then picked them up after work when I went to borrow the lawn mower.  And then I mowed the lawn.  I did not die, which was great, and my lawn definitely looks better this morning.  Which I don’t really care about, but meh.  Neat is usually better than messy, and it was messy.  

After cleaning the living room and showering, I got some work done on that quilt.  Finished piecing the top on Sunday, so yesterday I cut out shapes for the applique.  Which I have never done.  But I’m not nervous – it’ll be easy.  I’m thinking I’m going to hand quilt it which will not be easy, but that’s ok.  I have time.  (Sure wish I could have brought my iron to work today so I could continue to work on them….)

Here is that aforementioned boring list.  I almost forgot about it.  It’s a list of what I want to accomplish the rest of this week —

I need to dye my hair

And get it cut?  It’s getting awfully long….

I want to bleach my duvet cover…ugh.

And clean the whole bedroom, which would necessitate either doing about 5 loads of laundry or finding a place to hide it all.

Want to rearrange my pictures in the library and bedroom.  I got some cool Sidney Paget prints at the Sherlock Holmes museum and right now they’re propped up rather pitifully on a window sill.  I want to put those on the wall in the library, and move all my matted photographs to the bedroom.  This will take some time.  I might not get it done this week.  We’ll see.

Oh yeah, and I need to go grocery shopping.  This is something I have managed to put off for a couple of weeks – which really is just as well since that means I actually finish all my veggies and stuff before going to get more food.  

I wonder if I would get in trouble if I started reading at my desk.  Probably.  Dammit.

Matt’s birthday, 2014

I felt like doing some musing this morning. 

Today, Matt would have been 30.  It’s odd to me how distant he feels (and is) — and yet, when I go through Facebook and look at his pictures (which, I’ll note, is not usually a great idea unless I’m feeling masochistic) I can easily remember the way he felt and sounded and smelled.  

I’m still young and am learning so many things about life.  One of those things is that as I get older, I look back on past chapters in my life almost like they are from a different lifetime.  I remember different events and people like they were characters in a movie I used to watch over and over again.  They become more impersonal as time passes – relics and souvenirs of a long-gone vacation, instead of active forces influencing who I am right now.

I remember swearing to always keep Matt’s influence in my present, and I know that even if I am not conscious of it now, he is still there and will always be there.  I suppose most life transitions are not as drastic as this one, and if pain is a catalyst for change then living through a spouse’s suicide is taking the fast train.  It’s impossible to be the same person as before, when your world is up-ended and shattered.  

But I like the person I’m turning into.  Maybe it would have happened eventually, but maybe not.  It took something huge for me to have an inkling of an understanding of death and mortality, and of how one person’s life can affect so many other people’s lives (without trying, without realizing, without even caring).  Knowing Matt and experiencing everything that I have with/because of him has made me want to live as good of a life as I can.  To honor him, yes, but also because I know that I’m lucky.  I am not depressed.  I am not blighted.  I am lovable, and I do my best to love myself.  I’m grateful.

The part of me that wishes I could hold onto Matt will probably never leave, and I don’t know that I want that part to leave for good anyway.  I know that I can’t hold onto him — he’s gone, he’s never coming back of course, and that’s OK.  Because it has to be, because it is.  And I’m OK, because I want to be.  Matt loved me and wanted me to be happy, even if he couldn’t figure out how to make himself happy.  And that’s the direction I want to go in my life.  

If I could just read a book while I was at work, I wouldn’t blog such meaningless sludge.  

Did I mention that I bought a new Chris Thile CD?  Well actually – I preordered his new CD (Bass & Mandolin with Edgar Meyer) and went ahead and ordered another one while I was there – Bach Sonatas and Partitas, Vol 1.  I downloaded the latter onto my work computer (because, you know, I bought it at work), then tried to download it straight onto my phone.  I tried doing this 4 times, and it would just not work.  I guess the file was too large?  I don’t know – stupid phone didn’t even tell me why it was failing me.  So I decided to just go home and download it onto an actual computer with iTunes.  Come to find out, I only had 5 available downloads and had already managed to “use” them all.  

THAT SAID, I’m listening to my other Chris Thile albums on shuffle now (the Inside Llewyn Davis soundtrack was too hard to not sing along with, so I had to switch to something instrumental).  I just love his instrumental music (can take or leave the stuff he sings on, heh).  Makes me want to go lie down in the middle of a forest or a field or anywhere away (or at least hidden) from civilization.  

Instead, you know, I’m sitting in a cubicle.  I bought myself some pink spray roses today which help some, but not a ton.  The atmosphere is not good for flowers.  I think I need an easy chair and a lamp, maybe.  Bamboo accessories?  (Do you know how much bamboo desk accessories cost??  There’s a reason I’m using the stuff that came with the desk.)

Anyway, I guess that’s all.  

Cummins Falls, and laundry, mostly.

I’m not exactly feeling inspired to write, and I’m trying to decide whether that means I shouldn’t write, or that I should.  

I just kind of felt like writing about my weekend.  

Anyway, weekend.  Went to Cummins Falls on Saturday, which is a great little waterfall/swimming hole outside of Cookeville.  Here’s a picture.

5052430017_1e52d60b13_o

Now, picture 200+ people milling about on the rocks or swimming in the water, and you’ve got a good idea of how popular this place was last Saturday.  The trail to get down to the falls was more crowded than Radnor Lake trails, if you can imagine.  

Now, because I am great at planning ahead, I work jeans and a cami and a t-shirt, just like about 5% of the other 200+ people there.  The rest of them were in swimsuits.  Which was a good idea.  After managing to not slip and fall on the rocks even once, and watching Stephen stand underneath the waterfall, I decided that I didn’t give a fuck about being “dry” anymore (I wasn’t) and got into the water too.  SO WORTH IT.  Even if my jeans were completely soaking wet the whole rest of the day.  Didn’t matter.  Didn’t mind any of the people after that, either – we were all there for the same reason and all enjoying the same thing. The main waterfall was cold and exhilarating, but getting close/under made it almost impossible to see or breath. The series of smaller waterfalls, though, were lovely and cool and sitting underneath them felt like an embrace.  

I have such a love/hate relationship with people sometimes!  They can be so lovable and wonderful and the reason for staying alive, but they can also be horrible and stupid and make you want to die.  Eh.

Anyway, afterwards had too much Mexican food and margaritas and slept REALLY well that night.

Yesterday I did laundry, and I might go do some more today.  I probably need to mow my lawn soon too, but it really isn’t very bad at all yet.  Need to refill a prescription, and also need to go grocery shopping.  Might do all that this afternoon after I start a load of laundry.  Oh, also need to fold and put away the clean clothes from yesterday.  Stupid laundry.

This is such a good soundtrack.   

some wednesday morning thoughts…..

this morning is absolutely gorgeous and is making me pine for autumn, and road trips, camping trips, hiking trips.  I can’t wait for the colorful, crunchy leaves and the crisp air – even though they will make me hate going to work even more than I did this morning.  something about fall makes me feel alive and energized and hopeful.  this morning, even though there is only a hint of fall in the air, I’m feeling those things.  it’s awfully nice.

last night, I watched Dead Poets Society with Stephen.  hadn’t seen this movie in years.  it was more poignant than I remember it being, but that’s because I can relate to it on a deeper level now.  you know, people complain about getting older, but I am loving the fact that the older I get, the more I can appreciate and understand life (and embrace not understanding, too).  I found myself wanting to cry several times throughout the movie, but the scene that choked me up the most was when Neil’s parents find his body in the study.  brought back painful memories, and reminded me of pain that is still very much present.  

that said, I’m happy this morning.  it’s such a good feeling.  I’m being reminded of how it feels to be liked for who I am (or at least, for my most apparent qualities — ha), and that – coupled with these reminders of the fragility of life – is making me feel alive and hopeful.  not that I don’t typically feel alive and at least a bit hopeful…but, uh, you know.  I’m not going to delve into it too much.

also I’m still relieved from talking with my boss yesterday.  SOO relieved.  

anyway, ought to work now.  

 

Miscellaneous

My whole head itches this morning – not just eyes and nose, but also scalp and forehead and cheeks and eye lids. WTF.

Yesterday, I mentioned to my old boss that I want to go back to her department and she suggested I wait until next week to mention it to my current boss (it’s been a hectic week in the customer service world). She also speculated that they might ask me to stick it out another 2 months just so that I will have been in this position for six months, which sounds better than four months. I guess. We’ll see. I am just tired of dreading work, and tired of having to rally the energy necessary to sound like a confident sales rep when I make phone calls. I don’t know about other people, but donning that mask takes a lot of energy for me. I don’t want to disappoint my supervisors and such, but more than that I don’t want to be miserable at work.

It’s gotten so bad that — and I may have mentioned this — I have started looking back on the B&C days fondly. Yikes!

I feel like I have so many other skill sets that I could be tapping into here which would not involve cold-calling people and learning to manipulate them (the situation, what they say, etc) for my own gain. Which is probably a jaded way to look at sales, but I can’t seem to help it. I am not cut out for this. I would rather sit in a dark room and work by myself all day (I think anyway) than make cold calls.

HOWEVER! I realize that I am being paid to do a job, and so I need to do the job.

OK sorry, I’ll stop bitching about work now. Gah.

Shamelessly stole a design for a journal from Etsy and copied it the other night. I’m actually pretty pleased with the way it turned out, though 1) stiffer leather would have been nice to have, and 2) my leather dye is really old and gloppy so there are a few gloppy patches. But overall I’m a fan.

journal 1

journal 2

I guess that’s all I have to say right now.

more jibberish

by all means, feel free to disregard. I feel like writing lists helps me to organize my brain.

these are the things I need to do today.
– mail my rent check
– do some laundry
– wash dishes
– would be a really good idea to clean the bathroom

trying to decide whether I want to go to Beaman Park after work. alternatively, I have a lot of books that I need to be reading so I could instead spend the evening at Coco (drinking coffee…?). yet another option would be to clean the house and then read in the bathtub (ahh).

new project idea: book quilts. found some really fantastic ideas on Pinterest and now I need to go to a fabric store for woodgrain fabric. no, I have not finished that chess quilt yet at all. in fact, I have a long way to go — those templates have soo many small pieces that I ended up losing a few of them and need to re-print them all. gah. I guess I could work on that tonight…..

I need to avoid Pinterest like the plague. every time I spend any amount of time there, it makes me want to amend my dating criteria to only include Super Rich — so that I can get married and spend all my time decorating and making things. ahhhhh. (love is overrated….right….? dammit, just kidding. money is overrated.) I also officially hate all of my FB friends who post stuff during the day about how they’re making stupid baby books to sell on Etsy (eh heh, just kidding about this too of course) or how they’ve finished pickling the three different kinds of peppers that they picked from their garden only just this morning (using, naturally, fresh herbs from the herb garden, which is probably separate from the vegetable garden and definitely from the flower garden).

believe it or not, I have actually gotten stuff done this morning. while daydreaming about re-seasoning all my cast iron, and oiling all of my cutting boards.

oh guys, btw, the naan was delicious (as always – I mean, I’m a decent cook if I’m being honest here).

I should probably try to avoid blogging on Mondays – regardless of how good or bad my weekend was, I can usually come up with something to say when there’s a choice between blogging and working. Terrible, terrible habit.

This weekend was pretty great though, which makes the temptation to write much harder to ignore. However, I’m going to keep this brief since thinking about how I should be selling toilet paper instead of writing is making me feel guilty.

Friday was great — went to the Frist mostly for music (Marty Stuart was playing Frist Friday) but enjoyed what we were able to see of the exhibits too. Did you guys know that there’s an illustrated version of Elements of Style? I’m posting since I doubt that I’ll be buying more copies to use as Christmas presents this year, even though that would be a good idea. (I swear there’s a prettier way to add a link here. http://www.amazon.com/Elements-Style-Illustrated-William-Strunk/dp/0143112724)

elements of style

Anyway. Not going to blab too much about it.

Saturday’s wedding was hot but enjoyable – you know, as far as weddings go. As I predicted, I knew about 3 people there (not including the bride and groom), but despite or because of that, I had a pretty good time. Highlights: the processional (is that what you call it?) was to the theme from Legend of Zelda, and Chris presented Chaz (best man) with a Zelda sword after he reached the “alter.” Very appropriate.

Planning to make some Indian food for dinner tomorrow and am relatively excited as I haven’t made naan in, like, two years. God damn that’s a long time. You know how I was always complaining about how I wanted last year to be over? I’m definitely glad that it is, and am in a much better place now, but it’s strange to think that a whole year of my life was spent that way – just longing for the hurting to stop, basically. I know that I didn’t waste last year and that living through it was really important to being able to live beyond it, but when I have to say things like “I haven’t made naan in two years,” I guess a part of me feels like I DID waste all of 2013.

Hm. Well. Anyway.

PS: I don’t mind throwing thoughts out into the void of the internet, but I really wish I knew who was reading them. (for all I know, there are about 5 or 6 of you who read semi-regularly.)

Sometimes when I look back over the last 10 years of my life, I feel grateful: for the lessons I have learned, for the person I have grown to be, for the friends who have stuck with me along my journey and also for some who haven’t. Other times when I reminisce though, I feel regret and shame – for the feelings that I have hurt, for the bad decisions I have made, for all the money I spent with nothing to show for it now.

One of my oldest Nashville friends is getting married this weekend, and someone who used to be a mutual friend is going to be the best man. In all honesty, I think this guy was my first real romantic interest. We had a somewhat turbulent friendship which never developed into anything more serious than just that; though, that said, it was complicated and ended on an even more complicated note. I’m not proud of how our relationship ended, and I know he isn’t either. It’s all in the past now, yes, but seeing his name in the wedding party list has brought up some interesting emotions.

I find that I still feel a great deal of fondness towards him. I’m not resentful or hurt or angry. I regret that we let the inevitable human drama get between us and destroy our friendship. It’s a funny thing, but I still miss our whole group, from time to time. That was the first group of friends I ever had who I felt all actually liked me and enjoyed my company, and that was such a novel and exhilarating experience. But I was foolish and immature and didn’t know how to respect myself, let alone my friends. I’m glad that I have learned and grown through experiences like these, but I wish I didn’t always insist on learning life lessons the hard way.

And I wish I could go back and undo the feelings that I have hurt in my selfish and narrow-minded past.