first draft of suggestions for “good etiquette,” bearing in mind that such things are by definition subjective

• if you have to close one eye and squint out of the other one to see, you should stop drinking (thank you for this suggestion, Katie)
• if you feel that you are becoming too drunk to remember where the bathroom is, best to sleep it off outside
• when you don’t have anything nice to say, be tactful and try to think of something nice before saying the bad thing.  as mom always said, “sweetness of speech increases persuasiveness.”  a tried and true adage.
• when you’re becoming anxious because no one is texting you back, get a grip, turn off your phone for at least 30 minutes, and find something distracting to do like read a book.
• do not stand in the kitchen while someone else is working, unless they have explicitly invited you to do so.  if you find yourself in this situation but without the invitation to be a lazy spectator, find something to do like dry dishes or sweep the floor.  (general exception being family/best friends — these people cannot write you off because you don’t like to help.)
• be conscientious when it comes to talking.  not everyone likes to hear everything that you can possibly think of to say.
• if someone emails or texts you a list of questions, reply back in the same format (or, if the questions are not in a list, copy the entire text of the original email into the response).  not only does this make sure that you answer all of their questions, but it ensures that you don’t forget to answer any of their questions.
• when making “good etiquette” lists, do not patronize your readers
• if you are sick, please bear in mind that other people do not necessarily also want to be sick and keep your distance
• always leave both lids of the toilet seat down.
• let me repeat.  leave BOTH LIDS DOWN.  this ELIMINATES all arguments, people!!!
• always laugh at your own jokes (this counts as good etiquette because it’s being nice to yourself)

I think I need to anchor this to the top of the page, so that I can update as needed.  which, I suspect, will be often.  suggestions/amendments are welcome, but be courteous.  as always.  also I don’t care if some of these bullet points have periods and some don’t, so don’t even both mentioning the fact.

*Idea for later — make a whole list of good online dating etiquette