Triggers and stuff

Helen asked if I would be willing to help out with the production of Spamalot tonight because there were a few people who couldn’t make it. Bill was recruited as well. I had a good time (I suck at people-ing though), and enjoy being around them. But, of course, I couldn’t keep from thinking about how Matt should have been in the back seat next to me driving there and back. But he wasn’t. I was by myself (with Jared’s car seat).

I started crying on my drive home, and ended up on the floor in the kitchen, crying. It’s so utterly absurd that a person I loved so immensely and completely could just die like that, and never be an active part of my life again. On the other hand, it’s also fairly absurd that I’m able to cognitively acknowledge that this kind of thing is possible – and be afraid of it happening, and maybe even expect it to happen – but when it actually comes down to loss like this, I had absolutely no fucking idea before. It crushed me like a load of bricks. It tore my life into little tiny stupid fragments.

And I can’t fucking blame anyone or anything. When I’m crying, I want to scream out – “HOW could you DO this to me?!?!” …but I don’t, or I feel guilty when I do. I can’t be angry at Matt. Of course, it ultimately was his decision, but there were so many outside forces that were beyond his control that I am a complete scumbag if I’m mad at him. I can’t be mad at anyone – there’s no one to be mad at. People die. Everyone will eventually die. Sure, I was hoping to spend MY lifetime with Matt, but that didn’t happen. I have to face my gift – I’m still alive. I really, really, really don’t want to sometimes. Sometimes I miss Matt so achingly much that I just don’t want to fucking keep going. This still happens, almost 9 months later. I wonder if Matt imagined that it would be this excruciating for me.

And now I need to distract myself. Crying seems so fucking pointless sometimes – it doesn’t make me feel better. It doesn’t bring Matt back. Matt can’t even see that I’m crying — no one can. It just freaks out the cats.

I really can’t believe Matt left me sometimes. Fuck.