I feel like I go through phases where all I do is complain – whether I’m writing it here, or talking to someone in person. (Exception being that I don’t complain to anyone at work…because it’s work.) But I feel like I have a lot to complain about and it’s good to get it off my chest. Ryan thinks that complaining makes you weaker, and I can see his point, but whatever.

After I got off work yesterday, I went home and mowed the front lawn. Didn’t mow the back, and definitely didn’t want to mow either but I forced myself to do the front. As always, I was glad that I did it as soon as it was done. I showered after that, and got Fat Mo’s for dinner. I ended up feeling much better, and even if that was because I exercised a little and then ate a greasy burger, I’ll take it. I hadn’t felt as depressed as I did yesterday in a while.

And it’s not all gone this morning, but I’m not letting myself think about too much so far, which helps of course. Even though life feels perfectly meaningless without Matt – most of the time – I know that in truth, it can still have as much meaning as it did before. It just doesn’t FEEL like it’s worth anything sometimes. I hate that I’m looking forward to this year being over – because I only have one life, and I want to appreciate it as much as I can – but I REALLY wish it was July 2014 instead. Dammit – this is what I was saying last year too. I hope next year is better than this year, and than last year. If only I had known, last year would have been the best year ever.

But what can you do?

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I'm a young, childless widow who is trying to figure out the best way to deal with the world in light of my late husband's suicide. It's harder than I ever imagined it would be, but somehow at the same time I am still alive and even happy sometimes.

2 thoughts on “”

  1. I personally think complaining can be therapeutic. It’s nice to just get something out of your head. I can relate to the last paragraph. I hate wishing time away, but sometimes, it’s just the truth.


  2. Thanks for the feedback! 🙂 I’m glad someone agrees about the complaining, and I’m still looking forward to actually being able to complain with you in person!


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